St. Patrick's Day is coming, y'all. And it's bringing all of its crazy food and drink with it. Don't know about you, but I can't wait.
Why? I'm glad I asked.
Shamrocks rock. Allegedly, back in the day, St. Patrick used the shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to people, which is why shamrocks are linked to the holiday. But who cares about that part, we turned shamrocks into a buncha cute food! Go America! Let's eat shamrock sprinkles, shamrock-shaped pasta and while we're doing that, someone please create a shamrock-shaped steak. If you find a real four-leaf clover, EAT IT! Or FRY IT and then EAT IT!
Beers and whiskeys are rad. Sure, you don't need a holiday to drink beer and whiskey. But it's pretty great to have one purely dedicated to drinking. (Or three dedicated to drinking, if you count Thanksgiving and Presidents Day.)
I can't wait for that magical moment that happens every St. Patrick's Day, when someone Hulks-out over which drink's the Irish-est. "Guinness is the only thing you should be drinking tonight!" "Whatever! Bailey's in an Irish coffee is as Irish as it gets." "Shut up! Margaritas are green. Everyone knows if it's green, it's Irish." "Aaaaaaaaah GREEN BEER IRISH SMASH!!"
Going 100 percent green is awesome. To the someone who said that celebrating Irishness means, "Everything should be green!" instead of saying "Everything potatoes and cabbage!" I give you triple cheers and an Irish fist bump. Let's wear green everything while eating green everything this St. Patrick's Day. I'mma eat green mint-chocolate-chip ice cream. Let's make green macaroni and cheese. Someone go get me a green brisket taco.
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You don't have to be Irish to celebrate Irish. The best part about the way this holiday is set up is that you don't have to be Irish to celebrate Irishness. I mean, we're pretty much just celebrating booze and a part of the rainbow at this point, right? You just have to like beer and/or green stuff.
If you're any percent Irish, you're Super Irish on St. Patrick's Day If you happen to be lucky enough to have Irish heritage, you'll brag about it all night. A great game to play is to justify everything you do on this night with, "It's okay -- I'm Irish," and/or "I'm Irish, so I'm right," and see how long it takes before someone punches the Irish out of your Irish face.
Have a fantastically green, ridiculously great St. Patrick's Day, everybody. And get a cab. Even if you're sober. At the very least, you just ingested eight pounds of green food coloring. And nobody wants to suffer that reversal in their own car.