On Christmas Eve across Santa-revering areas, many little tykes put on their jammies and set out a plate of treats and (usually) a glass of wholesome milk (or perhaps, cider) for Mr. Claus to nibble on. This, of course, is in appreciation of the gifts he'll stuff in their stockings while they sleep. If they're animal fans, they add on carrots or sugar cubes for "Donder! Blitzen!" and the rest of the "Nine Little Reindeer."
Sometimes, parents have already spent hours helping their spawn create the Santa platter. Hence, they're over it. Other times, a kid has his heart set on making something Mom or Dad doesn't even like.
What I'm trying to say is this: Look, parents don't always want you're lame cookies, kids. And they certainly don't want your lukewarm milk that's developed a nice little film on it while they waited the two hours it took for you to fall asleep. You need to step it up -- or at least get more inventive. They're busting the wallet wide for you and creeping around their own house to provide you with Christmas morning joy, so dial down the cliche, Timmy and Susie, and reward the true Clauses. Try these alternatives for the Christmas Eve midnight snack:
Fifth of whiskey - Other favorite potions are viable as well. Be sure to include a second glass. Mr. Claus may have a Mrs. in tow (or vice versa).
Saltines, ice pack and Excedrin "sugar cubes" - After the last of the Eve errands and your high-pitched, festive wails, Mommy has a helluva migraine, so if you want that Barbie hairstyler, you're gonna need to give her the tools to stop blaming you for what ails her.
Nothing - Be observant, children. If Santa's already logged his food on his Lose It! iPhone app and is really not appreciating the additional temptation, why don't you just run on to bed, little Joey, and if Santa wants something to eat (specifically, Girl Scout Thin Mints), Santa will find it in the cabinet where Santa had Mommy hide it in preparation for a 3 a.m. raid.
More after the jump...
Porn - What?! The holidays are stressful. Fine, just leave the TV in the den on soft-core, K? Or, if you insist on judging Santa, at the very least, offer up a racy Lifetime movie.
A Five-Course Meal - Do you really want to send the message that your parents deserve the best? Perhaps you're hoping they didn't take back that one gift like they said they would when you were caught shoplifting from the Brach's candy display for the third time? Try 'em out. We're guessing they shoved it in the closet to take back later and this could offer a turning point: Seared scallops over mushroom and leek risotto, micro greens with a maple-bacon dressing, halibut with wasabi-soy glaze, filet with simple winter squash and a perfect creme brulee. Just some suggestions, feel free to improvise. A nice seafood dinner may suffice.
The Lite Plate - Feel like sending a totally different vibe? Concerned that Santa's belt is getting a little strained atop that jolly red belly, or do you think Santa's working it AARP-style a bit prematurely? Set out the diner classic: tomato slices, cottage cheese, slice of wheat toast and a glass of iced tea. Peaches optional. Note: Proceed with caution. The results of this "treat plate" could backfire and result in the gifting of Huxtable sweaters, cologne you'd never wear and years of guilt.
A nice razor...and edible body chocolate - Let's say you're all grown up and you've got yourself a sweet-ass Santa baby. If he resembles the Santa Claus of tale, he's gonna need some serious manscaping before you get frisky with the Eve-time kink fest and body nosh. Just sayin'. Because hey, we don't judge here...we just tell you to never, ever put Reddi-Whip or chocolate syrup directly on those lady bits as Christmas Day could take a turn for the uncomfy.