By H. Drew Blackburn, Jaime-Paul Falcon and James Rambin
There ain't much to do in Denton, Texas except party. We're talking about the quintessential college town, a place where the highest percentage of residents are between the ages of 20 and 29. A place where if you didn't end up there because of college, there's a good chance you were born and bred there. We're talking about a place where seven bars are within a literal stone's throw from the major university.
So it's only natural that Dentonites party quite a bit. But how much partying in Denton is too much, and how do you know when you've crossed that line? The first sign is that you partake in seances on the Square murmuring Denton is the greatest city on Earth. But, there are other signs too. 50 of them, by our count.
1. You poured out a bit of your Miller High Life 40 when Centro-matic announced they were breaking up.
2. You've put on the freshman 15. You're over 21 years old and haven't been a freshman of anything in a long time.
3. You actually purchased something from the The Bubble Man before.
4. You've run into more than four of your college professors on the same bar crawl.
5. You went to the Treehouse Bar & Grill. Twice.
6. The single most tragic event in your life was when Rubber Gloves went no smoking.
7. Every time you go to a bar on Fry Street, you awkwardly recognize three to four one-night stands.
8. You ran a house party venue for two months, then got evicted. Hey, everyone can't be Michael Briggs.
9. You've peed behind the touring band's van at Macaroni Island.
10. You re-evaluated your life when you realized you were the Old Guy At The Party ™.
11. You've been wished happy birthday by a Frenchie's truck.
12. At least three of your dresses are from Circa 77.
14. You realize that UNT is poor kids and upper middle class kids who had bad grades in high school. Also, toddlers with genius IQs.
15. You know who burned down The Tomato.
16. You went to Hailey's back when they booked great bands. And you won't shut the fuck up about it.
17. While smoking a cigarette on the balcony at a party, you've worried about its structural integrity.
18. You started selling bathroom tickets at house shows.
19. You've went to Public House for the sole purpose of loading up on $0.50 wells and ended up participating in what's basically a rap video from the early Aughts.
20. The ethereal stench of beer at house shows is an all too familiar elixir.
21. You can carry a full pitcher of beer up the stairs at Cool Beans with your eyes closed.
22. You've spotted more dogs at bars on the Square than black people.
23. Also, more cats than Latinos at house parties.
24. You hear the words "Fry Street Crawl" and begin to have a residual hangover. It's a very Pavlovian experience.
25. You're either highly fond of or intensely terrified of the characters that hang around the front of Jupiter House. There is no in between.
26. The only reason you've ever been to Rockin' Rodeo is to see The Toadies.
27. Your mug shot for public intoxication got more than 10 retweets on @DentonPolice.
28. You never actually thought the world was going to end on December 21, 2012. You just threw an "End of Days party." But, when a Subway popped up on the Square? Meteors and locusts.
29. The thicker the beard, the hotter the man.
30. When someone says, "Denton is like...a mini Austin," you respond in a totally level-headed manner. Just kidding, you start to froth at the mouth and fur grows on your back.
31. You've taken a selfie with Overly Attached Girlfriend.
32. You've witnessed "Big" Mike Sutton scream at someone around the same amount of times you've seen him lose a bid for city council.
33. You also remember when his car was emblazoned with the names of departed soldiers.
34. Ain't no party like a Denton house party because a Denton house party has 274 punk bands on the bill.
35. You call Paschall Bar the "Midlake Bar."
36. You don't go to Hoochie's Oyster House for the food. You go there hoping the train comes by so you can get a dollar beer.
37. If you're headed south, you're headed to West.
38. You're beginning to think that Rocky Horror Picture Show was really set in Denton, Texas. It's someone's recollection of a night at Mable Peabody's Beauty Parlor and Chainsaw Repair while on acid.
39. You've read all the books on the shelf at Paschall Bar.
40. Your house parties get shut down so often, Denton PD assigns you a code name.
42. You've went drinking at the Applebee's off Teasley, and not ironically. They actually have some good happy hour specials, you know.
43. You went to NX35, 35 Conferette and 35 Denton and it's about time you cut those wristbands off. Creatures are growing on them.
44. You actually like the Sriracha Margaritas at Oak Street Draft House.
45. The Midway Mart guy recognizes you, asks how your mother's been and about your job as a barista, and still checks your ID.
46. You rented out Dan's Silverleaf for your wedding reception.
47. You've been arrested for biking while intoxicated.
48. You've been to a Kevin Roden Drink and Think and did more drinking than thinking.
49. You decided against going to The Abbey Underground because you can't get cell phone reception down there.
50. You're over 30 and you're still partying in Denton.