Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.
Your friends are throwing a baby shower for you. They want to know where you're registered, and when you say "Babydolls," they blink in your face until you give them a name of an actual stuff-for-baby-having baby place.
There are things you'll definitely want to register for, like D batteries and a Netflix subscription, but let's also explore the six useless wastes of money that should not ever, ever, ever be on your baby registry:
Baby knee pads (above) Babies R Us description: "The Safety 1st Cushioned Soft Knees Protectors help protect Baby's sensitive knees from being irritated while crawling on the floor and carpets." Is your kid literally gonna be crawlin' on broken glass, Baby Annie Lennox-style? Worst case, you can dig some Fila wristbands out of your sock drawer and use those. Baby wipe warmer
Wipe Warmer "The Munchkin Warm Glow Wipe Warmer ... warms wipes to make sure your baby has a warm, moist wipe every time."
Fact: Wipe warmers create baby douches. Do not do.
Newborn scratch mittens These are those mittens parents put on their babies so that the baby doesn't accidentally scratch his own face with his own nails.
Use baby socks instead. The end.
Bottle warmer Babies R Us description: "Heats most bottles instantly so you don't have to run to the microwave every time."
See: Baby wipe warmer. Room temperature bottles are fine. If you insist on registering, register for a room. It'll be more useful.
Beaba babycook baby food maker Pottery Barn Kids description: "This compact countertop appliance makes it easy to prepare fresh, healthy meals for your baby -- from start to finish." Betting you already have a stove, a blender, and ice cube trays. Don't register for this.
Let your friend spend that 120 bucks on something actually useful to new parents: Diapers or booze.
Dong shields Babies R Us description: "A must-have for the parents of baby boys, the Weeblock® Tinkle Tinkle Lil' Star from Sozo® is a wee-wee-absorbing sponge for use when changing diapers. Just cover the baby during changing with the Weeblock® and stay dry!"
Your baby boy might piss in your face by accident if you don't have this cup-shaped sponge. If you do have this, he will piss in your face. And you will have deserved it.
