It's hard to explain what America was submitted to viewing on TV last night. But here at the Mixmaster we will try our best.
Carly, Arlington woman/cruise ship singer/Bachelor contestant, was chosen for a one-on-one date with the Bachelor, Prince Farming Chris Soules.
Host Chris Harrison delivered the date card in the Los Angeles mansion to the room of tipsy, desperate women, who average at about 24 years old.
The date card reads, "Carly, Let's come together..."
This date had nothing to do with the Beatles or singing or anything remotely close to happiness.
Instead during this date, Carly and Chris (We can envision the wedding napkins now) head to see a love guru.
A LOVE GURU. Did you know those people were real? This love guru was not Mike Meyers or Justin Timberlake or anything close to an enjoyable human being. Instead, it was a woman sitting and meditating in the backyard of a random house in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
"I feel like this is the day we're going to look back on and say, 'This is the day we knew we were going to be together," Carly says. That's an actual, non-made-up quote from Arlington's very own Carly.
This love guru, who Prince Farming Chris cleverly renamed a sex guru (God, he's clever), tells Carly to blindfold Chris and feed him chocolate-covered fruit. And she does it because apparently cruise ship singers have no shame on or off a boat.
Then things get even weirder. What we're about to describe was as awkward and uncomfortable as it sounds. Carly is instructed to sit on Chris's lap but isn't allowed to kiss him. She can only touch him and breathe on him. So she does it. Sensually. Chris breathes back. Equally as sensually. America squirms in their seats and contemplates life.
"This is the worst date of my life," Carly tells the camera. How do you think we feel, Carly? It's not any better watching it. Trust us.
But it's not The Bachelor until everyone is forced to talk about their problems and insecurities and cry just a little. So the love guru practically forces them to talk about different masks in relationships and Carly reveals she never feels worthy of love, which is actually really sad, but then it's like, why did she chose The Bachelor as an avenue to try and gain that worth? Chris has some pleasant things to say about our dear ole Carly, like, "She's funny, she's witty, and she makes me smile." Holy crap, this man is a wordsmith.
After the horribly awkward love guru part of the date, Carly and Chris head to a room to sit and chat by a fire, which is actually kind of normal and refreshing. They chat. OK, mainly Carly chats because words are difficult for Chris. After Carly talks about her past relationship and not feeling like a wanted woman in it, Chris offers some great insight.
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"Not only is she beautiful on the outside, but she's more beautiful on the inside."
That is an actual quote from the man chosen as America's most eligible bachelor. So eligible he's on a TV show, where 30 women lust after him and try to earn his love. He is practically a fourth grader who just discovered what "beautiful on the inside" means and decides to tell every woman on the playground the same thing.
Chris offered Carly a rose and she accepted because duh. The next time we see her is back in the hotel room with the other women, crying because Chris is dating her friends.