Don't panic. The two-hour premiere of the relaunched Dallas hasn't started yet. Right now on TNT ... let's see ... we've got an old episode of Law & Order that we've probably all slept through five times. ... Yep, I've dreamed about Jesse L. Martin telling someone to "sit yo ass down" before, I'm sure of it.
I'm merely checking in to let you know that I'll be here for you at 8 p.m. when the show starts. Your friends opted to go to one of the premiere screenings around town, and hey, good for them. May they enjoy lots of fake public laughter and sliders. But you and I, we're scared of rain. We enjoy the cut of a terry-cloth robe. We work real jobs. Therefore, we prefer live-blogging to "getting live" (do people say that anymore?).
Blog party starts in about 20.
7:55 -- I've already figured one very important thing out about the backstory of the new Dallas, before it even starts: The entire Desperate Housewives series actually happened in a dream that Bobby Ewing's new wife had. She's the narrator of said dream, and Bobby's adopted son appears in part of it as a very hot and inappropriate pool boy. Think about it. Not out of the realm.
8 p.m. -- JUST ... SECONDS ... AWAYYYYY
8:01 -- Cows! Oil drill thing! Southfork Ranch is in the Dallas city limits, according to the title language! THAR'S OYL IN THAT THAR RAYNCH!
8:02 -- The chick from 'Fast and the Furious' is covered in oil. Yahhh-hooo! She and son of J.R. kiss while gripping each other's heads.
8:03 -- Holy shit ... Bobby's gonna die again? Of cancer? Surely the first season of the new version can't be a dream, can it?
8:04 -- Title-sequence-gasm. Original music. The new Dallas, complete with neon-ass Omni and Pretty Bridge to Somewhere (but not sure where).
8:05 -- Geez, Bobby's hot, former-poolboy son. Such disdain for dad's love of the simple life. You'd rather blaze new alternative energy trails, beat the Chinese to the punch, and leave a business meeting to engage in locker-room coitus. Wait, what?
8:07 -- Damn, he didn't even get to take his shirt off. Coitus interruptus.
8:08 -- Patrick Duffy sho can ride a horse, cain't he? ... Bobby's wife's high boots and fake accent are not appropriate for this scene.
8:09 -- John Ross hangs with some very sketchy looking oil men. They can't even cover their tank wife beaters to go in a bar.
8:10 -- Ooh, John Ross has a secret associate who drives a sports car. Let the backstabbery begin.
8:11 -- This one-way exchange between Bobby and J.R. has a very strong 'The Notebook' vibe.
8:12 -- Bobby to J.R.: "I don't want them to be like us. But. [dramatic pause] All that bein' said ... I do want a second season."
8:14 -- Christopher to maid: "Ooh, I've missed your cooking." That's the first thing you say to the woman who probably raised you? ... And here's John Ross, that damn scoundrel. ... And, I'm sensing some awkward former-lover vibes between Fast-Furious-chick and poolboy. ... I'm lying. I don't sense anything. I just read a couple of press releases.
8:15 -- Instead of planning weddings, let's just go 'head and make J.R. be himself again. ... Oh, wait. Oil-related tension between cousins. ... Wah-wah-waaat? Bobby gon' sell Southfork? Will he change his mind when John Ross tells him he's sittin' on barrels of liquid gold?
8:22 -- Miss Ellie and Jock backstory told through tense dialogue. Fast-Furious chick hath figured out that they're sitting on a wealth of sweet crude. ... "Oil's in your blood," she tells Christopher. Wait, no it's not. He's adopted.
8:23 -- OK, John Ross got a cackle out of me when he told Christopher: "Everybody knows that yo' dad sold you when you were a little baby."
8:24 -- Christopher pecs > John Ross pecs.
8:25 -- Bobby got served! John Ross "wants the terms of momma's will overturned," Bobby sigh-speaks. "I will give him the fight of his life," he sigh-growls.
8:27 -- Bobby done served John Ross right back. John Ross responds by calling Bobby "Uncle" crazily.
8:31 -- 'Juno 2: Jen Garner Gets A Baby From The Ground.'
8:32 -- Christopher's fiancee is a little too smooth, talking about her poker-playing dead daddy. Hmmm. Wonder what her "tell" is. ... Oh wait. Can't look at anyone else in scene. Sue Ellen sucks all attention away.
8:34 -- You're telling somebody he triggered an earthquake over Skype?
8:35 -- Please re-animate, J.R. We neeedd yuuuuuuuuuuu....
8:36 -- I think I saw an eyebrow move.
8:37 -- HELL YEAH, J.R.'s BACK, AND HE'S RHYMIN'.
8:38 -- Oooh, yeah, bitches, he's eatin' red jello and controlling the world again.
8:41 -- It's gettin' all 'Tuesdays With Larry' up in here.
8:42 -- I see you, John Ross, manipulating your cook's daughter of a love interest. "Spy on Christopher, or you'll always be a brown sheep."
8:43 -- Don't give in to her Fast-n-Furious charms, Pec-y Metcalfe. She's a spy! ... Aw, shit, there you go telling her about the earthquake you done caused. ... Question: Why do all these Newings want to work so hard, anyway? Can't they just ride four-wheelers and discuss philosophy like other trust fund babies?
8:46 -- Strong sense that some thangs are gonna go down at this wedding.
8:50 -- Hey, Bobby's wife, I don't think Tums are going to cure cancer. ... Forget that, though, she's opening the gun case. There's an intruder. "I don't miss, Mister. Not at any range." Yet, strangely, she doesn't shoot him as he runs away. No fun.
8:52 -- Worst way to find out about a loved one's terminal illness is to Google their medicine label.
8:53 -- Now, someone's broken into Christopher's office and put an entire hard drive on a USB flash drive in less than 30 seconds. That could happen.
8:54 -- It's amazing that Bobby can fit secret stomach cancer pains, a business meeting with a conservacy rep on a helicopter, and his (adopted) son's wedding into one day. Those Ewings do have quite the work ethic.
8:56 -- Off the helicopter, on to the wedding. Charlene Tilton cameo! I think she's wearing a Kim Zolciak wig.
8:57 -- Why are we meeting Christopher's fiancee's brother, who's been detained at the border? Hmmmmm.
8:58 -- Sue Ellen's earrings and lips are delivering a monologue right now. She's reminding her son that she's got political connex. "Think of me ... as ... an ally," she tells sonny boy.
9 p.m. -- John Ross-Christopher confrontation in 3, 2, 1 ...
9:01 -- The staccato score is blowing these verbal threats way out of proportion.
9:02 -- She went in to spy, she ended up not spying, and now she's being accused of spying. Poor Fast-Furious chick. ... Aaaaand here come the romantic complications. Apparently Christopher broke up with Fast-Furious over an e-mail. Over an e-mail. But he denies it. "I never SENT YOU an e-mail." Suddenly, this sounds like an office comedy.
9:04 -- Jesse Metcalfe cries on command, he makes his lips quiver, he gets the crazy eyes. Yet, not a hair falls out of place.
9:10 -- Get off the alternative energies train, dude, YOU'RE CAUSING EARTHQUAKES. "I just want to get the Ewing name back on top." That's enough to convince Bobby to go ahead with the Southfork sale. Yet, I as a viewer don't trust this Marta Del Sol person.
9:11 -- They even have the Adele CD at Southfork Ranch. It's a new world.
9:13 -- I knew it! Marta's in cahoots with J.R.(ta). That slick bitch.
9:14 -- Every time J.R. says "darlin'," we turn to the dark side a little more.
9:15 -- Looks like John Ross has his own little scheme going with Marta. And they have their secret meetings on the 50 yard line at Jerryworld. Jumbotron cameo.
9:16 -- I've seen that leather jacket before, John Ross. I think it's in the Marc Anthony line at Kohl's.
9:17 -- J.R. reminds us at least three times in one scene that he plans to double-cross Bobby into selling Southfork to him. So, are we all caught up on the plot points? We don't care about the plot points? OK, good, that's what I thought.
9:20 -- Metcalfe may or may not have his chest regularly injected with compressed marshmallows.
9:22 -- Patrick Duffy should win the Emmy for best fake stomach pains. We can actually feel them. OO! WAW!
9:23 -- I've actually been on a few Austin trips that felt like stomach surgery. True story.
9:24 -- You think "BOBBY N PAM FOREVER" is carved on the other side of the tree?
9:25 -- Fast-Furious pulls off the calm-rage-seguing-into-sadness thing impressively. I'm thinking of learning her character's name.
9:32 -- Really, Bobby, it's not like your horseys will die if a little bitta oil is drilled around the corner. Lighten up. ... Wait, we're back on this mysterious Tommy person? Something's up with him. He's either in on a scheme, or he wandered off the set of a CW show.
9:33 -- Aww, Christopher, why do you feel the need to prove yourself to anyone? Look at your face! Your life will be easy!
9:34 -- Call me a traditionalist, but I don't think it's a second wife's right to drop Miss Ellie's recipe book on someone who's been in the family for mere days.
9:36 -- John Ross can't be clever enough to pull off this major deception he's planning. I mean, he can't even groom his facial hair correctly.
9:43 -- "It used to be our bar, John Ross, back when we were growing up?" Now that's something a trust-fund baby would say.
9:44 -- "So you better grow eyes in the back of your head ... COUSIN ... 'cause I'm coming for you." Amazing dialogue.
9:45 -- I'm just going to say it. Sue Ellen's pretty fucking scary.
9:45 -- Cattle Baron's Ball, woot! And it's at American Airlines Center. Work that walker, J.R.!
9:47 -- Please, camera, never leave J.R. again. He is the light, the salvation.
9:49 -- Sue Ellen was so shocked seeing J.R. that her cougar boobs nearly popped out of that angular slit.
9:56 -- Lana Del Rey's backing tracks are now used to sell Nespresso. Hard fall.
9:56 -- Meanwhile, back at the CBB, John Ross and his smart black outfit make amends with Fast-Furelena. "Look, I didn't send ... that damn e-mail, Elena!" They need to get off this e-mail thing. Put more stake in personal interactions, the way J.R. does. See? We've already learned a lesson.
10 p.m. -- Jesus, John Ross, get those sideburns fixed. It's called Dear Clark.
10:01 -- Marta just slipped a sedative in John Ross' drank. He kisses her as if he's got no tongue at all. She's recording everything. Ewing sex tape coming soon.
10:03 -- Ann and Bobby are off to the surgery. She should know that everything will be fine. There are at least eight more episodes to go.
10:05 -- So, Fast-Furious wrote a game-changing thesis that could save Christopher's alternative energy efforts? That seems mighty convenient. .... Eeeep, here it comes. Seems there's yet another scheme being dreamed up between Christopher's new wife and her CW brother.
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10:07 -- State Fair of Texas ferris wheel is John Ross' second secret meeting place. What's his third, fuckin' Medieval Times?
10:10 -- J.R. tore his formerly sedated ass down to Mexico to get to the bottom of this supposed deal. Good thinking. Now he knows his own son is playing him. There's not enough red jello in the known world to save John Ross now. He's in for a very creative whuppin'.
So, what sayeth you, fellow viewers? Think you'll tune in next week, or will you download the theme song as your ringtone and move on?
It's been real. Night y'all.