By Amy McCarthy & Jaime-Paul Falcon It's hard out there for the single people in Dallas to find a worthy date. After you've exhausted the pool at OkCupid, done a few speed dating events, and struck out at every bar in Dallas, the handheld meat-market that is Tinder is a particularly attractive option. More of you than ever are swiping left and right until Cupid's arrow strikes after having a few too many drinks, which means that there is a ripe pool of also-drunk people who are single and ready to e-mingle whenever you're down.
Of course, that also means that there are certain types of people that you meet on an app that chooses a match based on what a person's face looks like. This list of the 15 types of weirdos, freaks, and semi-normal people that you're most likely to find on Dallas-Fort Worth Tinder is highly scientific. We rigorously tested our theories by adding the app to our phones, drinking a lot, and swiping like we were trying to decide between having Uber hit Taco Cabana, or just take us straight home. Take a look, see if you recognize yourself, and if you do, well at least you know that you are not alone.
The Pet Person Has a photo of either their pet, or them with their pet in their profile, and may, or may not refer to said pet as their child. There will be jokes about how any potential match has to pass the "Duke/Lola/Nolan/Bailey" test before things actually happen. Perpetually covered in pet hair, and can't wait to show you photos of the pet in a costume.
The Soundcloud Artist "Hi! I'm not really looking for a date right now, but I thought you seemed cool, want to take a listen to my music? You might really like it, here's a link, and if you do like please send it to your friends!"
The Out of Towner In town on business, and is just looking for someone to show them the around. Will most likely send you a dick pic after failing to get you drunk enough to go back to their room. Also, by "out of town" it's 90% likely they mean "drove in from Rockwall."
The Serial Swiper Swipes right, sends "Hi," swipes right, sends "Hello," swipes right, sends "Hola," swipes right, sends "Yo" swipes right, gets response, sends sexually aggressive response along the lines of "You looking for that D?" s swipes right, sends dick pic follow up, swipes right, swipes right, swipes right...
The Big Bang Theory fan The basic bitch of nerddom has decided a terribly acted show is the perfect summation of their personality, and does everything in their power to make sure the world knows it via photos of them at cons, hobby shops, or holding some type of memorabilia. Also, might try to make a "Wanna Bangzinga" pun.
The Kinkster Either they just read 50 Shades of Grey, or they have exhausted all their FetLife options, and just doesn't feel like firing up the OK Cupid again. Will likely ask to pee on you.
Overly Eager To Get Married Guy If he's not a religious wingnut, this guy an even scarier species of dude: the one that thinks that you should actually find someone to live with for the rest of your life in a cesspool like Tinder. Even though he's really looking to settle down and isn't interested in "games," he's still going to send you a dick pic to lock down his future wife. If you're not interested in forever, he'll probably still take that one night stand. And then text you until you are forced to change your number and/or get a restraining order. Is really into the Dallas Stars, because "hockey is a real sport." Also owns 6 different pairs of cargo shorts and wears socks with sandals.
Nice Guy(TM) Three more rejections from doubling down on that fedora with an e-cig, and posting about ethics in gaming journalism on social media. Still totally confused as to why his long time friend won't choose him over all those assholes she dates. Keeps Calm, Chives On....unless a woman rejects him.
Guy With Too Many Guns This guy really, really wants prospective Tinder babes to know exactly how much he loves his guns. So much so that every picture on his profile is of him gazing lovingly into his AR-15. Guy With Too Many Guns will probably murder you, but there's a good chance you can score a free all-you-can-eat shrimp dinner at Red Lobster before he inevitably goes off the Seroquel, shaves his head, and shoots up a shopping center.
GoGo Girl Lifer Either she works as a copywriter for an Ad agency, or she's currently at her second Non-profit in three years, but one thing's for sure, this will not be anything more than a casual drink, or some casual nookie. When she's not dressed in business professional, you can find the Lifer dressed in neon fishnets, asking if anyone at Plush or Insomnia has seen Molly.
Mid-Life Crisis Guy His profile picture says mid-30s debonair Clooney type, but Mid-Life Crisis Guy failed to mention that it was taken at his first wedding in 1996. There have been two weddings since then, and you can bet that Wife #3 "just doesn't get him anymore." When Tinder doesn't work out, he'll blow his children's inheritance on high-priced escorts or order a wife from Southeast Asia.
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The Bro Country Fan This guy tastes like dip spit 100% of the time, which is only marginally better than the fact that he's going to dry-hump you in his big black jacked up truck while blaring Florida-Georgia Line. Never, under any circumstances allow the Bro Country Fan to drive you out of the city limits.
The Teacher Really into white wine, and wants to find someone quick before the absolute hatred of kids takes over. Bonus points for making sure to point out how much she loves her job, but really doesn't have a lot of free time.
The One With a Ton of Mutual Friends You guys have a ton of mutual friends, but have never met. You'apprehensiveive about matching this person, but you are totally cyber-stalking their Facebook right now, and are thinking of ways to set up a meet cute. You might need to rethink your life if you're going this far down the dating rabbit hole.
The Divorcee She loves her kids, but that bastard Steve has caused her a lot of problems, and she's just looking for a good man to share her life wife. Is really into red wine. Up for whatever, whenever, so long as the night isn't spent alone.