To quote Groucho Marx: Whatever it is, I'm against it. Certainly that's the God's honest when it comes to this big-screen version of Dallas, which will star Robert Davi as J.R. Ewing, Costas Mandylor as his younger brother Bobby, Shannon Tweed as Sue Ellen and Katey Segal as Pam. (What, that's not right? I gotta stop getting my information from the Interweb. Though, be honest, that's a movie worth paying for.) But I was reminded, just moments ago, of what made Dallas such a great show: Its wacky fans. Go to the official Web site for the show, and you'll see not only the latest movie news and pictures of Charlene Tilton as Madonna (wugch, I believe, is the appropriate response), but also today's stunningly awesome clip (Patrick Duffy struts his Members Only-stuffed stuff at a disco!) and a message board that rages today with the debate about with which cast member you'd most like to share a meal. (Victoria Principal wins in a landslide!) And I did discover something actually newsworthy on the site: Tomorrow, Patrick Duffy joins the cast of The Bold and the Beautiful as Brooke's father. I have no idea what that means. --Robert Wilonsky