The practice of law is a subtle art, one which requires finesse, tact, and skill. Sometimes too, we've learned, it necessitates calling the other guy's lawyer a pansy, an asshole, an ignorant slut, and threatening, not very subtly, to sodomize him. (What's with lawyers and threatening to sodomize people?)
Martin Sweeney, formerly of Cozen O'Connor, may not have a job anymore, but he's certainly earned a place in some sort of legal email hall of fame. Above The Law brings us this heartwarming tale of Sweeney and the opposing counsel, a guy named Chad Arnette, who's with Kelly Hart & Hallman.
As ATL explains, the two men were trying to schedule a deposition. Scheduling is so hard, isn't it? Things got tangled. Sweeney got frustrated. He called "bullshit" and warned Arnette: "Don't jack with me."
"Not sure where that came from," Arnette replied. "But if you are committed to getting us dates in March then all will be swell."
Clearly, there's only one response to the un-ironic use of the word "swell." Sweeney went on the attack. "Fuck with me and you will have a huge asshole," he promised, rather memorably.
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Things devolved from there: Sweeney was told to "give it a rest" by another lawyer from his firm who was on the email chain, and responded by threatening to "shove my boot so far up Chad's ass he'll be talkin' out of it" (Mr. Sweeney, we have to ask: why this obsession with other people's asses? Really.)
At that point, Arnette informed Sweeney he'd be filing a motion with the judge for a sanction against Sweeney because of his threats. Sweeney promised to "kick his ass" once again, called him an "ignorant slut," a "gutless attorney," and, of course, attached his cell phone number so the two can settle things via fisticuffs.
As Above The Law discovered when they emailed Sweeney's firm for comment, Sweeney apparently no longer works there. "Our Firm values promote the highest standard of professional conduct, and we expect all of our attorneys and professional staff to maintain the highest standards of professionalism and civility at all times in their conduct on behalf of our firm clients," they told the blog in a written statement.
ATL has the whole thing in screenshots. It's worth a read in its epic entirety. For some reason, none of the lawyers involved in the email chain responded to our requests for comment.