Dear D Magazine:
Thank you so much for nominating me for "best columnist." I can't tell you how pleased I am to be in the running. I am determined to win this thing.
Thank you for sending me instructions on how to get votes for myself. In a recent email, you said: "People can vote once daily so please encourage your staff, family, friends, and customers to do so! You can direct them to dmagazine.com/bestofbigd2012 or just dmagazine.com."
Really??!!! They can vote for me every day? What a great idea. And you even sent me a "button" I could install on my webpage to send my friends and family to the voting booth for me and you told me how my friends and family can vote for me on their telephones. Believe me, I made sure both my friend and my family were up to speed on these procedures. Is there any way I can check with you to make sure they're doing it? Let me tell you something: There is going to be hell to pay around the old homestead if anybody is being laggardly.
But here is why I am writing to you today. That's just three votes per day. Small family, unfortunately. I am worried it won't be enough. Even faithful, diligent, daily voting for me by both my friends and family between now and the end of voting on May 6 doesn't seem like enough to carry me over on election day.
For some reason, you also nominated Alice Laussade, the Cheap Bastard columnist at the Observer. Jeez! Why??? Not to whine, but that was just so unfair. Talk about stacking the deck against me. People love her. Not to make excuses, but I'm not exactly in the love-me business, am I? So it just seems to me like maybe somebody has his little ruby-ringed pinkie finger maybe on the scales a little bit. Just kidding.
So I was wondering ... oh, gosh, I hope this isn't out of line. I've been chatting with some doctor and dentist acquaintances of mine, and I was wondering if I could win this thing the old-fashioned way. By paying for it.
They were telling me about their own participation in your "best" issues of the magazine, like "Best Surgeon" and "Best Periodontist," stuff like that. And don't worry: I get how it's done. They told me that one does not just call up D Magazine and offer to pay a bribe to win. Puleeeze! What do I look like, an oaf? I would never do that.
But they do tell me I might be able to sort of nudge things in my direction if I were to offer to purchase an advertisement for myself in the issue. Not a bribe at all. Just a little adsy-wadsy.
I'd like to do that. I'm all in for this thing. I will take out a loan if necessary. I want it that bad. I would like to purchase a big adsy-wadsy, though. A full page "spread," I believe you call it. I have been perusing some of the best doctor winners, and I would like my ad to look like theirs.
I see myself in a pastel surgical scrub shirt with a deep V-neck. I might even do a little merkin-type deal up on my chest to make myself look a bit more bushy. Definitely I want to do some serious black hair dye, eyebrows very much included.
We might also do a bit of possible air-brushing so I don't look like I have tiny almost invisible premature wrinkles from being too smart. Might do another merkin on the head.
Thinking out loud here.
I may want to play around with my name a bit. Things have changed so much culturally in terms of whom we admire. Nowadays, an old American German-immigrant-sounding name like mine just makes me sound like a gap-toothed hillbilly. I might want to go with something that has more of an Eastern European resonance. I'm thinking something more like Omar ("Jimmy") Sutcqzu. Would that be legal?
I would also like to have some hot babes in the background. I have been instructed in the very sternest tones possible -- wow, some people just need to relax, don't they? -- not to broach this matter again with any of my female colleagues. So I wondered if you would be able to offer me some professional help. How much do those young Park Cities women you use in your pictures charge by the hour?
I'm working on a slogan. Right now I'm looking at: OMAR ("JIMMY") SUTCQZU -- BRINGING YOU THE COLUMNS THAT WILL MAKE YOU RICH IF YOU READ THEM.
What do you think? Pushy? I'm workin' on it.
The main thing is, I am really really pumped about this whole deal. I swear to you: I am in this thing 'til the last dog dies. I got that from Bill Clinton. This kid is stoked to win. Gimme that ad! That SPREAD! Alice Laussade will never know what rolled over her like a steamroller that flattens people.