There are a few things that terrify me. Cockroaches are up there. It’s the way they can disappear into anything, like, say, light switches or clown’s mouths. When I was a kid, I imagined Michael Myers following me with a sharp, glinting axe. Now, I’d like to officially add a new entry to the list. I will be submitting Six Flags’ Fiesta Texas to the list of Things That Make Want to Rocketship Off the Planet While Primal-Screaming for their new “4D Free Fly Coaster,” Batman: The Ride.
Just look at this GIF, via Reddit.
I imagine Six Flags engineers sitting around a table, pointing and nodding approvingly at a dry erase board that has a hyperrealistic marker drawing of two people graphically vomiting into their hats. “Yes, let’s make that into a ride,” they’d say. Actually, just typing the words 4D Free Fly Coaster made me grip my desk and hurl in a 180-degree radial wheel. Everyone in my office is screaming, thanks Six Flags. Here’s what this ride does, via Six Flags' site.
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“Magnetic fins cause you to flip as you fly over the top of a 12-story hill and two beyond vertical drops. Then you’ll take flight over a steel track which delivers six full inversions. You’ll descend down two beyond-90-degree raven drops, incorporating the stomach-shaking sensation of true freefall right in the middle of the ride!”
I have some questions (mostly out of fear):
- What in the name of Santa Claus are “beyond vertical drops?”
- If I’m 31 years old, can I do six full inversions without going backwards in time violently?
- Will the ride exit immediately into a hot, drawn bath and a massage?
- When a person experiences two “beyond 90-degree raven drop,” will I be officially be entered into a list of known astronauts in America?
- Will you be handing cigarettes out after the ride? Already lit?
- “Incoporating the stomach-shaking sensation of true freefall” — So, basically, it’s my exact nightmare of slipping off the roof of a very tall building? Cool. Just checking.
The ride opens May 23 at Six Flags Fiesta Texas in San Antonio. Seriously though, it looks really fun. Make sure you eat a chicken fried steak, macaroni and cheese, with thick, chocolate milkshake before entering.