Today, Pizza Hut will release an edible abomination into our midst. An unnatural beast created by a team of irresponsible do-badders. The Pizza Hut pizza will have a hot-dog-stuffed crust and will cost $12. As Jurassic Park's Jeff Goldblum would say (imagine his giant Jeff Goldblum ears waving in the wind as he says this), "They were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." It looks like this:
The person who orders the Pizza Hut hot-dog-crust-stuffed pizza is a person who is saying, "I give up. I am done. I would now like to end it all in a ring of hot dog fire." And, when we started to think about it: this is the saddest display of pizza for people who are so sad they would eat this pizza ever. If we wanted to create a Death Wish pizza, can't we do worse better? Can't we go worse big or go home? If we are going to cry into our pizza (and we obviously are), let's make at least a few of the tears joyous. If we're going to cause ripples of damage in the history of pizza that can never be undone, can't it at least taste delicious?
The answer is yes. Yes, we can do beautifully hideous much, much better.
Obviously, the only way to beat a pizza beast of such epic badness back into its pizza beast hole is to create a more fierce, more intimidating pizza. And when you're talking about attempting something like that in Dallas, the only pizza people with enough balls to pull something like this off are the good folks at Zoli's.
We challenged Zoli's to create something betterworse for us to devour, and Lee Hunzinger took something out of their pizza oven that was more betterworse than we could have ever imagined. It was the most betterworse. And it had a pig on top, which immediately defeats the employee sneeze that likely tops a Pizza Hut pizza.
Zoli's Death Wish Pizza comes stuffed with mozzarella, pepperoni, Luscher's Italian sausage, Pecan Lodge brisket, Casa Rubia pork ribs, FT33 milk-braised pork and a pork "Ed Gein" mask from Lucia. (Yes, it's a pig-face mask. That just happened.) For good measure, it's surrounded by Luscher's-Red-Hots-stuffed garlic knots, with an added Luscher's Red Hots inner ring of red hotness, and brushed with garlic butter, then sprinkled with parmesan.
Nick's Tasting Notes:
- I’m thrilled to know that Zoli’s discovered a new dimension in pizza-stuffing — they found a way to stuff the space between the end of the pizza cheese and the beginning of the crust. Try and out America that, Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut’s version has hot dogs buried inside appendages on the end of their pizza (Pizza Huts' seriously looks like FiveFinger shoes). Zoli’s battalioned hot dogs inside AND outside the crust.
- There is no more pork. All juicy, good pork can now be found inside the “Hogzilla.”
- The garlicky, crunchy knots, brushed with butter and stuffed with Brian Luscher’s red hots, were Birdman-good.
- I blacked out, but I’m pretty sure I saw Alice make a dipping pool of jalapeño ranch, and then I’m pretty sure I did the same thing. [Recommended for future Hogzilla iterations]
- Why did they make this good? They didn’t need to make it good. Zoli’s just needed to make something weird; instead they made a delicious pizza meteor.
- Next time I have a pizza, I will miss having a steering wheel of kolaches as the crust.
- You’ve never read, or heard, of a pork flavor so heightened in a food. Knockout Pecan Lodge brisket melted in with the cheese, and the pork cheek mixed with the fennel and the sausage — it left a buttery aura around me. It followed me home. Wait, is that why there are 14 dogs and raccoons sniffing at the window next to me right now? I have to go.
Alice's Tasting Notes:
First, I have to say that I was shocked that I was not required to fill out an emergency contact sheet before biting into this pizza. I did not make eye-contact with the widow-maker slice. No sudden movements. Then, I reached my palm out slowly to let it see that I was not a threat. Just being near this pizza gives you that instant feeling of pre-regret. Pregret? (You know what you're about to do to yourself, and you take a deep breath and accept the impending consequences anyway?) I chugged some Diet Coke before taking a bite, so that none of the calories in the slice would count.
Every bite tasted like beautiful suffering. It was everything I had fear-wished and more. Onlookers worried for our future as we ate. "You're going to need a nap." "There's no way you get through this day without needing to change pants." But, in fact, the pizza made me stronger. I was focused, fearless and on-fuckin'-point all damn day. I fear that this pizza is my spirit animal.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the Observer's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Dallas's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Shame on Zoli's and all of the local Dallas restaurants that were involved in creating this monsterpiece. (Also high fives, and I'mma special-order this one day.)
Us to Zoli's: "Will you make this available to the public?"
Zoli's to Us: "No. Morally, we can't offer it."
But, you can beg them to add Luscher's Red Hotted garlic knots to the menu. It's like a mini death wish from heaven.