Little Women: Dallas is officially here. Or it's over there, since they spent a good chunk of the episode in Fort Worth.
The premiere episode begins by introducing all of the "little women." There's Emily Fernandez, Bri Barlup, Caylea Woodbury, Tiffani Chance, Asta Young and Amanda Loy. They list off their heights (3'8" to 4'5"), occupations (hair stylist, twerker, cosplayer) and their reasons for being in Dallas.
Everyone heads to Pink Magnolia in Bishop Arts for brunch except for Fernandez. Her 3-month-old son has recently died, so she doesn't feel like watching 20-year-old Woodbury try to drink mimosas illegally. Woodbury's 21st birthday is in three days but she doesn't let the waiter's refusal to serve her an alcoholic beverage get in the way of planning her birthday party.
At some point however, Loy does what everyone ever does and makes Woodbury's birthday about her. She announces she wants to ride a bull. A real bull. Not the mechanical kind. “Since my mom passed, I’ve learned how short life really is," she says to the camera.
Young is the next to make herself the center of attention. She calls out Barlup's relationship with her baby daddy, someone by the name of Wooda (Not Cooda or Shooda). Barlup becomes angry, defending her decision to live with him despite their not being a couple, and turns the situation around on Young by criticizing her for dating someone 10 years older than she is.
Next, we meet Fernandez at her home. If you watch Little Women: Atlanta, you already know Fernandez and Barlup. Now the pair — who call themselves Right Cheek (Fernandez) and Left Cheek (Barlup) — are living in Dallas, making a living twerking. But after the tragic loss of her son, Fernandez doesn't think she can bring herself to twerk again. She tells Barlup she's interested in moving into the management side of twerking.
Barlup is upset. She can’t be both Left Cheek and Right Cheek on her own, and wants Fernandez to put her sadness behind her and get out of the house. Fernandez doesn't want to get out — not even to get her hair done. So she calls Chance and asks if she can make a house call for a dye job. Chance tells Fernandez to come over to her place; she doesn't have time to fit her in at the salon where she works, anyway. (Does she actually work at a salon, or is this job staged like others we've heard about on the show? We may never know.)
Fernandez and Chance have a riveting conversation about whether the hair dye is black or brown and then Chance says, “You’ll never guess. Caylea’s license plate says, 'Lil Twerk.’” Fernandez looks and sounds about as thrilled as you are reading this right now, but then tells the camera that Woodbury might be the perfect first client for her new twerking management enterprise.
With Fernandez's hair freshly dyed, it's time for Woodbury's big birthday celebration, so everyone heads to the Fort Worth Stockyards in Woodbury's huge-ass, 'Lil Twerk truck. They go inside to the rodeo and sit around waiting for Loy's big ride on the bull.
Wooda and Woodbury bicker a bit and Woodbury complains that she's being handed too many drinks (turning 21 is hard, we’ve all been there). Fernandez tells the camera that everyone should pipe down. “And besides, we’re about to watch a little person ride a bull,” she says. The line is hilarious. It's self-aware. It's perfect. End the show now.
But the show keeps going. Loy gets on the bull and rides it longer than anyone was expecting. But if you look closer, it doesn’t look like a real bull. I think the bull was sedated. Or just tired. Or knew it was on TV and wanted to go easy on the little person riding it. The bull basically runs in a straight line for about three seconds until Loy falls off. And that’s the end of Loy's "Life-is-short-I-should-ride-a-bull-because-of-my-Mom moment." Thank god.
After that, everyone heads to a bar and Woodbury and Fernandez begin twerking. Barlup is pissed. Fernandez had just told her she didn’t want to twerk anymore. Then Chance's 19-year-old long-distance boyfriend shows up from Ohio and whisks her away. Woodbury is now pissed because Chance is her best friend and you can't just leave your best friend on her 21st birthday. Doesn't anyone know girl code?
Woodbury follows Chance and her boyfriend outside, yelling the entire way, but she does not hit a trolley as she does it, so what’s the point.
Little Women: Dallas airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. CST on Lifetime.