How to Celebrate Straight Pride

Three people showed up to the Straight Pride Parade. Here's how to do it right.
Lucas Manfield
Three people showed up to the Straight Pride Parade. Here's how to do it right.
This past weekend, a conservative group called Super Happy Fun America threw a straight pride parade, which brought in a resounding crowd of three. What could’ve gone wrong to make the event, which expected 2,000, such a massive fail? Bad marketing? Poor planning? Weak music selection?

For some odd reason, Super Happy Fun America is considering bringing back straight pride to Dallas. Should those plans be solidified, we’ve got some killer tips to make sure the next straight pride is an iconic festival of heteronormative proportions.

1. Have an epic playlist.

Want to get all of the straights to go wild? Throw on some Imagine Dragons and the party will get going. Wanna crank it up a notch? Add some Nickelback to the mix. But when it comes time to slow it down, some Ed Sheeran will get those straight vibes right.

2. Design some stylish posters, b
ut not too stylish.
Hiring a professional graphic designer to design posters and flyers to promote your event? So gay! Why not design them yourself using nifty software, like Microsoft Paint or Notepad. Simple, basic and no hints of queerness, flamboyance or joy whatsoever. (Pro tip: Comic Sans is a very hot font these days. Trust us on that.)

3. Wear your least fabulous outfit.
Those darn homosexuals! Always showing too much skin. Luckily, many stores have year-round sales to make sure you stay looking straight at all of the straight pride events in town. Backward baseball caps, frumpy flannel, white socks and Crocs are safe, because nothing says "straight" like having no sense of style. So go all-out so no one will think you're gay. Have you heard of this store called Sears? Their collections are neat-o bandito. But wait till you hear about this store called Kohl’s!

4. Keep the drinks simple.

Who needs those fruity little concoctions? Swap out those girly little cosmopolitans and Aperol spritzes with some Pabst Blue Ribbons. Think that sounds crazy? Wait till you try some Natty Lights, bro. Shit will change your life.

5. Pack some good food.

All that homophobia has got to be exhausting, so make sure you fill up on carbs before festivities begin. Perhaps Chick-fil-A? Yeah, they’ve said they’re no longer supporting anti-LGBTQ+ causes, but who do they think they’re fooling?

6. Arrive in style.
Party buses are cool, but Karen’s station wagon can fit in nearly any parking space. Also, Susan’s Honda Odyssey has stow-and-go seating, perfect for hiding away on the parade sidelines and shouting your favorite homophobic slurs from far away. (Judy drives a Subaru? Keep an eye on her. She might be a spy.)

7. Stay for the guest speakers.
The straight pride movement has so many leaders and pioneers, surely it’d be wrong to disrespect them. Who will be the speakers this year? Will we be educated through the gems of financial wisdom by Gary Vaynerchuk? Or will we learn about politics from Milo Yabbadabba — however the fuck you spell his name. Yes, we know the latter is one of those darn homosexuals, but he’s one of the “good” ones.