Ranch Eggnog and Other Bad Holiday Culinary Creations

We'll stick to regular Twinkies, thanks.
Lauren Drewes Daniels
We'll stick to regular Twinkies, thanks.
We’ve been waiting all year for the festive foods that come with the holiday season: rum-laced eggnog, turkey, ham, peppermint bark, gingerbread lattes and pumpkin pie. Even that tooth-cracking old ribbon candy grandma use to set out next to the ashtray. It all has us filled with anticipation. Some companies, however, are straying from the typical flavors. We are not fans.

Ranch Nog
Eggnog: you either love it or you hate it. Yet somehow, we didn’t think anyone could be a fan of this one. Hidden Valley Ranch introduced a Limited Edition Holiday RanchNog Kit for $50 at the Hidden Valley Ranch Shop. Obviously, ranch lovers couldn’t resist, because the kit sold out in less than two weeks.

Fireball's Countdown Calendar
Out of all of the nontraditional Advent calendars, this might be the worst. Though it’s only $10, 25 days of Fireball shots is enough to give anyone nauseating flashbacks to college.
click to enlarge LAUREN DREWES DANIELS
Lauren Drewes Daniels

Chocolate Mint Twinkies
In fairness, these aren’t the worst things we’ve ever tried, but the assumption that our love for sponge cake and our very separate appreciation for mint should intersect is what pains us here.

Elf Cereal
On the surface, this seemed like a slam dunk for the best breakfast ever. With a serious infatuation with all things Elf-related and a cereal co-dependent household, we thought this box was sure to be gone in an hour. Instead, we never finished it. Had a weird taste and texture. This actually sort of broke our hearts.

Trolli Sour Brite Reindeer Poop
In our search for these, we came across this Etsy page with handmade reindeer poop hand soap. Chocolate scented, no less. Anyhoosie, Trolli’s gummy candies are a favorite, and their seasonal shapes are always fun. However, poop-shaped gummies feel like they had some misfires and slapped a label on it. With Christmas tree-shaped gummies already on the rotation, the poo seems a little extra.
Heinz [Seriously] Good Terry’s Chocolate Orange Mayo
Had your gag reflexed triggered lately? You might not be able to buy this one in stores, but its existence is enough to question the Christmas spirit. The blend of Heinze [Seriously Good] Mayonnaise and Terry’s Chocolate Orange segments, crème patissière and an extra dose of Terry’s Chocolate Orange’s signature orange oil will be in a giveaway on Dec. 13. Thankfully, only UK residents are eligible to enter.
Gingerbread Red Vines
Licorice is objectively one of the least festive candies, and I’m not sure this flavor makes it any better. The gingerbread flavor is only available on their website. The website’s only review calls it “absolutely disgusting,” so we need not shell out $18.99 to test it out.

KFC's Fire Log with 11 Herbs and Spices
While this one isn’t edible, Kentucky Fried Chicken re-released their “Enviro-Log KFC Fire Log,” a limited edition fire-starting log scented like fried chicken. A box will cost you a whopping $50, and reviews are mixed, making this a strange holiday pairing. Several reviews on Amazon say the logs just smell like burning paper.

Oreo Flavored Candy Canes
Despite making us cringe at the sight of these, online reviews are actually favorable. But, we're purists at heart, so we eat our Oreos straight from the sleeve with milk straight outta the jug as a chaser. That’s it. Don't fuss with it.