Rock on a Roll

At this point in American political history, many Democrats have accepted the fact that they will spend their November sitting in their living rooms watching CNN, knocking back a bottle of Old No. 7 and waiting for Bush's second presidential appointment. Yes, the Left has pretty much resigned itself to defeat and another four years of having to listen to words like "subliminable" and "misunderestimated" and mentally reconjugating verbs.

But while the current situation may have some non-Republicans lining up outside the cryogenic freezing center, praying to sleep until '08, there is still hope. Rather than abandoning ship on our beloved democracy, we suggest another tactic: Instead of hoping that some stuffy old white guy--or stuffy old black guy, in the case of Al Sharpton--can possibly out-campaign George and his homies, call in someone who's really going to know how to throw down, at least on the verbal exam. The answer is Chris Rock. And, no, we don't mean in the movie Head of State.

No, really, stop laughing. Wait, keep laughing. Maybe that's what we need in our election, a little humor to let out some steam from the political pressure cooker. And Rock can certainly provide that. For anyone who hasn't turned to Comedy Central or HBO in the past decade--fascists--Rock has instituted a hostile takeover of the comedic scene. Rock uses his socially observant humor to cross racial, sexual and political divides, ascending the ranks to become one of the most popular comedians in the biz. And now Rock, who's taken a four-year hiatus from the mike, hits the stage again in his latest show, The Black Ambition Tour, to rile up audiences and dish out the kind of social commentary usually reserved for PBS and The Daily Show.

But you, the discerning voter, may be asking yourself what this skinny, trash-talking guy can bring to the office of president. Good question; we're glad that you've taken such an interest in politics. Rock is charismatic, witty, intelligent, always irreverent, as well as outspoken and knowledgeable about the issues. For example, he's been a vocal supporter of bullet control for years, i.e., that bullets should cost $5,000 each. And for all you conservative readers out there--do we really have those?--he's also in favor of maintaining the family unit and feels that single mothers should be staying home with their that the little brats don't grow up and rob him in 10 years. Also, he worked as a correspondent and writer for "Indecision 1996" on Politically Incorrect, work that he always approached seriously and with a consistent sense of objectivity. Ahem. And who cares if Rock isn't strictly a liberal or a Democrat or whatever? He's in the Not Bush Party, and that's good enough for a great many of us right now.

If some of you naysayers are against the idea of a comedian in the Oval Office, just look at Reagan, who was an actor by trade. OK, admittedly a bad example, but just go with it. There have to be some Reagan fans out there somewhere, hiding in caves or voting for Bush. But the point of all this random political babble is this: Some of us are rather tired of the United States being a source of political amusement for the world, the slack-jawed yokel cousin the family laughs at during dinner but won't say anything to for fear of getting mashed potatoes slung in their faces. If other countries are going to laugh at us, with Chris Rock in office maybe we'll be laughed at in a good way. So show up at NextStage this weekend to laugh until you say "owie" at this should-be candidate, and remember to Rock the Vote in November.