Hit her. Really.

The following is an expurgated transcript of a Britney Spears phone press conference held last week, in advance of her summer tour. By expurgated, I mean we have deleted some of the more banal questions and duller responses--but not all, since we'd have only six words left once all the trimming was done ("Hi, this is...uh...Britney Spears!"). Frankly, we're not even sure she's speaking English.

In an effort to draw in the fetal-to-12-year-old audience our corporate office in Phoenix demands we go after, we could not turn down such an invitation in good conscience--though, in truth, we doubt Britney's audience reads this publication, since their fathers usually keep each copy to browse through the "massage" ads found a few pages after this. Also, we doubt Britney's audience reads anything beside CD thank-yous, a Britney Web site or thousand, and the doctor's instructions on how to keep those implants from getting hard.

The full, unedited audio version of this transcript will be available off of this page a little later, yet another unabashed, shameless effort to attract the preteen chicks out there who aren't getting chatted up by 50-year-old mental patients pretending to be 13/f/hot! The Observer got to ask only one of its handful of questions, and it was by far the least interesting (something about the band Travis--even she didn't give a shit). Among the questions not asked: Do you need a spanking? And, do you need a spanking? We are pretty sure the answer would have been, "Well, uh, like...so, like, uh, yes?" This interview also proves one more thing: The only people dumber than teeny-pop musicians are the old farts asking them questions. Incidentally, we tried to spell all the so-called journalists' names right, but many of them (and, for that matter, their media outlets), couldn't be located on the Internet. It is likely they do not exist at all.

Moderator: "Britney, would you like to make your opening statement?"

Britney Spears: "Uh, yeah! Um, hey, everybody, this is Britney, and...I'm really excited I can, um, talk to you guys about my tour. Um, um, the first question?"

Moderator: "Thank you. We're now going to begin our Teleprint conference call. Each writer will have the opportunity to ask Britney one question regarding her upcoming tour, round-robin style, determined by the call-in order. Due to the limited amount of time, we ask you please limit yourself to one question, and keep your question as brief as possible. We'll pause for just a moment to assemble our roster. Our first question today comes from Joan Anderman with The Boston Globe."

Anderman: "Um, I'm wondering if you feel misunderstood, and if so, what you think is the biggest misconception about you."

BS: "Um, do I feel misunderstood? Um...I really don't...I mean, there's some misconceptions about me, like, you know, a lot of people think that what has happened to me has happened overnight, and that really kinda bothers me, because I worked really, really hard to get where I am right now. But, um, other than that, I think people, um, they see in interviews and stuff. Like, that I'm real, and I'm just a real person just like everybody else, and um, I can just try and be me, and hopefully they'll see that, so I, uh, y'know, I think that when they see me on television and stuff like that they see the real person I am. But that--the other, what I just talked about--I think that is the main misconception about me."

Moderator: "Jackie Jurose with Superteen magazine."

Jurose: "As you know, our magazines kind of, um, asks questions way in advance, so this is kind of, um, an advance question. Um, if you could talk a little bit about any back-to-school memories that you have or, or, you know, anything weird that ever happened when you went back to school, where something happened that maybe you thought would and didn't or something like that."

BS: "Um...really...I remember when I was like in the 2nd grade or 3rd grade, my favorite thing was to go--I mean, this sounds really retarded, but to go to Wal-Mart and get all my supplies. It was so much fun when I was younger, but then when I was older, um, y'know, and I started that age when you start worrying about what how you dress and how you look, um, that was so much fun to go shopping, like, y'know, the back-to-school shopping, y'know with your mom and stuff like that. So that's what I really remember."

Moderator: "Gary Graff with Reuters."

Graff: "Tell us, uh, you know, as much as you can about what we can expect from, you know, from the tour--the staging, the set pieces, you know, what everything's gonna look like."