Put him on a trading card
In the wake of Mickey Mantle's wake--enlivened as it was by tales of his drinking and skirt-chasing--we have all realized, once again, that our sports heroes are no angels.

Still, it never ceases to amaze Buzz what obnoxious creeps they can be.
Gil Brandt, a former vice president of the Dallas Cowboys and a third of the Holy Trinity that included Tex Schramm and Tom Landry, recently earned his place in the Sports Jerk Hall of Fame. Brandt resigned after being threatened with suspension from the Royal Oaks Country Club for "conduct unbecoming a gentleman."

According to club documents, Brandt, who had already been on probation from December 1993 to December 1994 because of "incidents," verbally abused club employees this June.

Their offense? Not properly informing Brandt that the driving range was closed for a half hour when he wanted to use it. They apparently further antagonized the former Cowboys giant by pointing out to him that the scheduled closing was posted long in advance in the locker room.

During this diatribe, Brandt, according to club records, called one youthful employee a "CS."

Buzz puzzled over what "CS" might mean. "Courteous server?" "Conniving sneak?" "Corpulent shlemiel?" We're stumped.

When a supervisor stopped Brandt later to talk to him about referring to the help as "CSs," Brandt, who had a five-year-old child with him, complained that it was not appropriate language to use in front of a child, according to the club records.

The staffer reminded Brandt that he had already used the word in front of the child, and went on to point out that Brandt "shouldn't worry about language" in front of children because Brandt had also stated that "his [the staffer's] ass is gone."

As the North Dallas club's board of governors pondered how to handle the situation, Brandt, solidifying his place in the Sports Jerk Hall of Fame, began a timed-release tantrum, "intimidating the young fellows in the [pro] shop," according to club documents, and reminding the board that his name drew prospective members, and that he had taped television shows from Royal Oaks, presumably raising the club's profile. According to the club records, Brandt then demanded that everyone take lie-detector tests--"loser pays." Following legal advice that such tests are inconclusive, the board declined.

In contrast with the proceedings against famous sports jerk O.J. Simpson, the June 29 verdict from the Royal Oaks board of governors was swift: Brandt was reprimanded for engaging in nasty language, name calling, threats, intimidation, and harassment "which, at best, is conduct unbecoming a gentleman"--and suspended indefinitely. Brandt was offered an opportunity to show cause why he shouldn't be expelled.

Club attorney and board secretary Steven Metzger told Buzz that Brandt resigned from the club on July 20. Metzger would not offer any further comment.

When contacted by Buzz about his suspension, Brandt initially said: "First I've heard of it." He informed Buzz that he had resigned. As for the clash with club employees, Brandt said, "I'm not going to say if it happened or not."

But he noted: "If you want to leave yourself open to something--you print that.