36/24/1812 Overture

Question: What is the perfect way to dumb down music and film in one fell SkipperTM swoop? Answer: a ballet o' boobs. At 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. Saturday, if you're scared of The Arts, take your sheltered child to see a performance of BarbieTM at the Symphony performed by the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra at Bass Performance Hall, Fourth and Calhoun streets in Fort Worth. Oh, and don't worry—there'll be video playing while the symphony plays their stringed instrument thingies, so you won't have to bother yourself with imagining anything or actually listening to the music. While those boring violinists violin, Barbie will be there on the big screen, singing and dancing along to Beethoven and Tchaikovsky's greatest hits. When you leave, your kids will be all, "Ohmigod. 'Kovsky and 'Thoven are so totally my fave symphonists!" Seriously, Fort Worth Symphony. What the hell, dude? Tickets are $19 to $55 and when you buy one, you get a bitch slap and a, "Did you really just drop cash on tickets to this Mattelfest? Get your money back right this instant and take your kids to The Modern or the actual symphony, you waste of a mentor," from me for free. Call 817-665-6000 or visit fwsymphony.org.
Fri., Jan. 4, 7 p.m.; Sat., Jan. 5, 11 a.m. & 3 p.m., 2008