Dear Man

How could I have been so blind? I look back now—after highlighted, chain-walleted, soul-patched Greg Behrendt showed me the light—and realize what a stupid girl I was. See, the super-groomed metrosexual comedian with muscles is one of the brilliant minds behind He's Just Not That Into You (and its follow-up It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken) and, I suppose, some sort of god in the world of dating. He sure saved my dumb ass. Back when a prospective relationship was mysteriously petering out early on, it was only Behrendt's brightly colored and cheekily titled advice book that whipped me into realizing that I'm worth more! Hmmm, right. Because we women aren't smart enough to know that if a man likes us, he should want to call us (and then he should actually dial the numbers). Well, based on book sales, apparently we aren't. While Behrendt's easy-read advice irritates me to no end, I suppose I should thank him if it keeps me from having to tell another friend, "He's lying if he said he doesn't have a cell phone," "Sweetie, give it up, he's gay" or "No, I don't think 'I'm sorry, I missed you so much, and she looked just like you' is a good excuse. Dump his ass." Help me pay my "respects" at the Improv as Behrendt performs his standup Thursday through Sunday.
Jan. 19-22