Cheap Bastard

Reyes Mexican Restaurant Draws More Cops than a Doughnut Shop.

When I pulled into Reyes Mexican Restaurant, there were six cops walking out and another three walking in. I sat in the car for a second wondering if major shit just went down at this place, or if some major shit was just about to go down. Either way, my lunch buddy pointed out that Reyes was so copped up, it was by far the safest place in Dallas. (Unless you're a bad guy. Or a vampire: Seriously, vampire peeps, Reyes restaurant is not cool with Dracula. Above the doorway, there's a garland of garlic. So, you're gonna have to get your blood-queso fix somewhere else.)

The entire menu at Reyes is reasonably priced. Most of the items average about seven bucks and they have six lunch specials for $5.35. I ordered the No. 4, which included a meat taco, one tostada with chili con queso and guacamole salad. (Wait, how is the meat taco different than the beef taco in the No, 1 special? And why's it the No. 4? Is it made of something so gross that I'm gonna get the number fours from eating it? I try not to think about this for too long. Too late. No matter what I try to think of, my mind shows me a bunch of cow assholes and elbows being thrown into a grinder. My brain totally cow-butt Rick rolled me.)

While I waited for my food to arrive, I helped myself to the free chips and salsa. The salsa wasn't hot. In fact, there really wasn't anything special about it—but who cares when it's free?

My food showed up really quickly, and I inhaled that meat taco. It was a little spicy and surprisingly yummy. As long as nobody tells me what's in that thing, I'd like to order a million of them. The tostada and the guacamole salad were simple (read: gringo-friendly, not spicy), but good. If you want your meal to light your insides on fire, you should probably order yourself a side of jalapeños. To be fair, I did order the white-lady special. And considering that my friend and I were the only two chicks in this packed restaurant full of cops and dadfolk, it's clear that Reyes caters to a crowd with milder tastes. (Read: Cops and your dad are spicy wusses.)