R. Kelly

Look, we're all upset R. Kelly's much-anticipated October "Love Letter Cruise" has been canceled. What better way to experience the white-hot firehose of sexuality that is R. Kelly than on a cruise to the Bahamas with thousands of other women? Now we'll just have to settle for seeing him on dry land, as he brings his "Single Ladies Tour" to Dallas, and a new album titled Black Panties. I was hoping that was a Black Panthers reference, but I don't think it is. Maybe that will be explained in the next installment of Trapped in the Closet.