Food News

Interview with Eli, The German Shepherd Mix, on Yappy Hour at the Gin Mill Saturday

Recently, we were contacted by Sara Blankenship's dog Eli, a German shepherd mix about the Greyhound Adoption League of Texas' fundraiser at the Gin Mill this weekend, called Yappy Hour. Like so many dogs out there, he was looking for a little publicity for the event. Here's our exchange:

Listen, Eli. No offense, but every time I try to interview a dog, the conversation always goes back to bacon. Do you have the fortitude to get through an interview that's not about bacon? I'm eloquent as fuck.

Let's keep it clean here, Eli. So, do dogs support other dogs in getting adopted? Are all dogs on the same dog team????????? Well, I'm adopted so I'm very much an advocate for other dogs getting adopted. I was FUNK-Y when I left SPCA in 2007. And yes, all dogs are on the same team. We don't have softball leagues or anything because we don't have thumbs, and I'd probably take a shit in the infield, but you know, we support each other. I'm especially supportive of pugs. I think they're just great. GREYHOUNDS. I MEANT GREYHOUNDS.

How do dogs know how to act at bars with a mix of other dogs, humans that shave their face hair and booze???????? ?I employ a complex routine of sniffing buttholes and then sitting my heavy dog ass on people's feet and looking longingly into their eyes. This wards off any potential conflict.????????

Do you drink booze, Eli? Not after the great house-party Nerf sword fight incident of 2009.

What do dogs do with the money raised at events like this -- besides purchase Nerf swords????????? I've been involved with several charitable events similar to the GALT one this weekend. Typically the funds are circulated back into the community and used to support foster dogs, shelter needs and veterinary care. I'm a staunch supporter of leftover funds being used for the purchase of stuffed hedgehogs.????????

Why hedgehogs????????? Stuffed ducks are too intense. Squirrels incite mania. Stuffed dogs -- I mean who wants to play with a stuffed version of themselves? Don't even get me started on giving babies baby dolls. Hedgehogs have squeakers that grunt instead of squeak so they don't annoy the shit out of everyone.????????

One more question. Bacon????????? I'm not allowed to have it.?????

Hope to see you at the Gin Mill Satruday from 4 to 6 p.m. Thanks for your time, Eli.