So, you want to be in a band, right? The thing is, you have little to no ability or skill with a guitar. Me too! There is, however, one easy way to go about this that doesn't really require learning to actually play your instrument properly. All you have to do is check a few boxes up front, and then the whole actual music thing falls into place.
First, buy a bass guitar. Any bass guitar, it doesn't really matter which one. It can be as cheap as you like, as long as it has four strings (five string basses are for psychopaths), frets (fretless basses are for people with serious talent), and a kind-of-working output. Tune your bass to drop D, and leave it there. Do not attempt to tune the lowest string back up to E. Ever.
See also: The Top Five Notes on My Bass Guitar