"Tis the season to be jolly" is a fine attitude to take as you shop for Santa's gifts this Christmas season, but for those of us who prefer a little more naughty for our significant or not-so-significant others, just the right gift from Bad Santa isn't something that showcases during commercial breaks of It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story or National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
So we decided to consult Bad Santa's elves who are hard at work keeping shelves at prominent adult novelty shops across Dallas/Fort Worth area stocked with top-of-the line vibrators, wind up penises and butt plugs that come in various colors and flavors. They had more than a few suggestions, so we narrowed it down to Bad Santa's nine most requested adult novelty items this holiday season.
Maid, Nurse or School Girl Fancy Dress Outfit Uncle Scrooge and even little Timmy have been known to dream about a nurse or a maid wearing these naughty outfits for the holidays. And if dressing up is a central part of your partner's foreplay, you can't go wrong with asking Bad Santa to stop by Electric Boutique where the Nurse, Maid and School Girl outfits are three of the hottest selling costumes with generational appeal. "We have a lot of costumes, and some people mix and match them," says the elf answering the phone, "but those are our most popular."
Black Full-body Latex Rubber Zentai Catsuit If your partner is the type to dress in a full-body leather costume and allow you to lead him or her around by a dog chain, then purchasing this leather outfit promises to put the "D" back in your bedroom domination and costumed foreplay. But be careful of the size you choose. "I don't know how otherworldly creatures deal with it," explains one of Bad Santa's more maniacal gift receivers, "but I was completely unable to terrorize the new residents of the house down the street without tugging and pulling at this outfit every 20 seconds." Bad Santa's solution: wearing Passion Natural Water-based Lubricant before slipping into the Gimp.
Jesse Jane's flicks Fighting pirates and blowing assassins, playing a home wrecker and wearing a nurse outfit are just of the roles this porn star has portrayed in her 97 direct to DVD masterpieces, including My Sister's Husband (2013), Swingers Retreat (2013), Code of Honor (2013), My Private Tutor (2012) and Titlicious 3 (2011). Her blockbuster Pirates (2005) is the top seller at most adult video stores. "Anything with her in it," says the elf working at DW's Adult Video Store located just north of Denton. "She makes a lot of movies, and they're better because they have a plot." If your partner likes a little storytelling foreplay, then Jesse Jane is one actress who will empower your partner to connect to his or her naughty Santa side.
Doc Johnson Belladonna's Magic Hand If your hands are too calloused from spending days working your blue collar job, then Doc Johnson Belladonna Magic Hand is a product your partner will appreciate. Not only is this fake hand made with an antibacterial SilAGel formula that sounds safe as hell, but it's also modeled after porn queen Belladonna's actual hand. So you can literally have her inside you instead of just on your computer screen. (Bad Santa also recommends purchasing a few scented candles with this product because a strong odor that smells like a cross clap.)
Luna Beads Noir "I'll agree to the fisting, but I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia." Ever since Christian Grey murmured these words to Anastasia Steele, the sex-starved heroine of Fifty Shades of Grey, these bad boys have been knocking down shelves as customers rushed to emulate Steele's experiences. Ben wa balls (or "orgasm balls" or "Venus balls") are multiple metal covered balls linked by a silk string and primarily used for anal or vaginal stimulation, although Bad Santa has been known to use them on a few naughty elves for stress relief. These beads are also known as "a pocket-sized personal trainer for your vagina." And if you insert them into your partner's stocking, they'll be chiming away by Christmas eve.
Lelo Gigi Personal Massager If all you want for Christmas is to find your partner's G-spot, Bad Santa says, why not settle for this purple vibrator? "It's carefully sculpted to unlock the secrets of this mysterious and special place," claims its developers, and one online customer compared it to an iPod and said it "holds heat - which feels lovely when you're all worked up." Once charged, it'll provide four hours of pleasurable fun (and for you a few extra hours of online game play). "They're really female focused," says the elf at Spot Boutique in Dallas. But sadly, the Gigi is not waterproof, although once or twice in the shower shouldn't short circuit it (but maybe your lover).
Stronic EINS Created by the geniuses at Fun Factory, this pulsating toy isn't a vibrator. It's a "pulsator," says another Bad Santa elf, made "for pleasure seekers with experience and those hungry to be thrust into a new sphere of experiencing passion." It was designed by a doctor who incorporated medical-grade silicon into its design. And with a variety of frequencies ranging from soft to strong, a key lock for discrete carrying and an immediate stop button, your partner will be able to use it while riding the train or chilling in traffic. It's an all-purpose pulsator that's rechargeable and waterproof.
The Bullet If girth or thrusting isn't your partner's forte, then this next item on Bad Santa's Christmas list is the one for you. Sleek in design, this vibrator slays werewolves and vaginas. And satisfied customers across the net rave about its ease of use: "It's very hard for me to cum - trust me, I need an arsenal of toys and sensation just to get close - but this toy will have me happy and sated in about 10 minutes." It's available at most adult novelty stores, including Condoms to Go (or Sara's Secret), Condom Sense and Walgreens.
We Vibe 4 The damn sales video really says it all, leaving this Bad Santa speechless. "It's kind of like a C-shaped toy where it kind of hits the G-spot and the exterior part as well," says another elf. "And you can penetrate her at the same time it's going." Although version three of this bad brator flew off the shelves last year -- it was the number one selling adult toy -- customers complained the batteries just didn't last long enough, and the design wasn't comfortable for the more well-hung on Bad Santa's naughty list. And with a soft gel cover and electronics that satisfied the Energizer Bunny, We Vibe 4 is the Playstation 4 of adult toys.