Alice Column

Dethroning the Princess: Five Halloween Costumes to Help Your Little Angel Crush the Pre-K Competition

I just heard there's a Halloween costume contest at my daughter's pre-K, so that sent me off on a Halloween costume search. If you're not already aware, the costume options available to buy for girls ages 4 to 7 are pretty princess dress, hooker princess dress, princess dress with a witch hat or black cat.

None of these costumes will win the pre-K costume contest. I'm going to have to go Super Mom on this shit and make my kid a costume her preschool will never forget.

I would look on Pinterest and build something out of papier mâché, raffia and antidepressants, but now that every Super Mom is on there, she'd surely roll into school wearing the same Amelia Earhart costume as three other chicks.

I want her to be something timely for Halloween. Something topical. So, using what I know from drunk college parties about Halloween costume trends (you gotta be something newsworthy, or the most recent fad, or a movie or TV show character), here are my current five costume ideas for my little girl that would be great alternatives to the princess dress this year for any little girl, really:

Walter White. I get her a bald cap, a dumb hat, some dumb glasses, make some blue candy, bring the baby and dress him up as Hank. (I'd dress him up as Skyler, but I don't want everyone to hate him.) Then we roll in a barrel full of money and make it rain on those 5-year-olds.

Sharknado. Get her a shark costume, make her twirl around all day yelling, "SHARKNADO Y'ALL!!!" until she throws up on everyone. Classmate treat: Sharknado shoots M&M's and Starbursts everywhere as it 'nadoes.

Carrie. I buy the pretty princess dress and rig the auditorium so that when she snaps her fingers, a bucket of red Kool-Aid rains down on her. Red Jell-O Jigglers made in the shape of Carrie's face for all her classmates after the show.

Miley Cyrus. She's currently every little girl's perfect role model. Plus, you spend next to nothing on clothing. All you need is a wrecking ball from a construction site and a tongue from a Gene Simmons costume. Classmates get wax tongue candy.

The Government Shutdown. I create an extremely detailed cardboard replica of Congress, with her in the middle, dressed as John Boehner. Every five minutes, she makes the Price Is Right "boop-boop-ba-doo, berrrrrrrr" sad horn noise and falls to the ground and passes out for a while. We give out lollipops with little picket signs on them that say "Shutting down government sucks!" to her classmates.

I smell a pre-K Halloween costume contest victory.