Alice Column

Wear a Bike Helmet; The World Is Full of Dumbasses

Recently, Dallas City Council decided that they didn't want to force people older than 17 years of age to wear helmets when they're riding bikes. Which is fine. I don't believe that there has to be a law saying everything that's fucking stupid is fucking stupid.

If that were the case, we'd have laws against the Paleo diet, tattooed eyeliner and the Twilight franchise.

That said, I'm gonna put my mom voice on for a second and tell you in the sweetest way I can that it is fucking stupid to ride a bike in this town without wearing a helmet to protect your head, which scientists say houses your brain. Dumbasses surround you. You must protect yourself from them.

If you don't believe me, go ride a bike at White Rock Lake one time. Just once. If you leave the lake having seen zero dumbasses, I will give you a slap in the nuts for lying (man nuts or lady nuts, whichever). Pro tip: If you can't spot the dumbass while you're on a bike in Dallas, it's you.

See also: Dallas Repeals Bike Helmet Law for Adults

Dumbasses come in all shapes and sizes, and they all have the potential to wreck your face. Here are just a few of the dumbasses I have seen on my bike travels. Each one of them individually convinced me that wearing a helmet while riding a bike is the only sane option.

  • Dumbass Car: There are safe drivers and dumbass drivers. This is known. Protect your head from the dumbasses. Note: All ice cream truck drivers count as dumbasses.
  • Dumbass Cyclists: There are safe cyclists and dumbass cyclists. This is known. Protip: The louder they yell, "On your left," the dumber they are.
  • Flying a Kite Across the Path Dumbass: This dumbass decided it was the perfect day to fly a kite at the lake. It was sunny and 75 degrees with a nice, cool breeze with winds at 20 mph and gusts of up to 30 mph. When the wind changed directions suddenly, the kite went with it, bringing the string across the path at exactly head height. I felt the string twang against the top of my helmet as I ducked under it.
  • Dumbass Double Stroller Mom on an iPhone: Mom is on her iPhone while pushing her double stroller on the shared path. She will always stop short in front of you to get a Boogie Wipe without looking at her surroundings.
  • Dumbass Squirrel: This squirrel is bad at Frogger. He runs across the road in front of bikes all the time and wants to die because being a squirrel "fucking sucks, y'all."
  • Dumbass Cop versus Bees: I saw a police officer throw away trash. He was then accosted by several ill-mannered bees. He ran across the road right in front of me, screaming like a toddler and frantically swatting his own face and belly. He did not get stung at this time. I barely stopped in time to laugh enough.

Wear a helmet when you're riding your bike. The dumbasses are coming for you.