Jim Norton Came to Dallas, Did Comedy, Complimented Our Many Fine Massage Parlors

Did you know that the Mall of America in Minnesota is where the government Operation-Dumbo-Drops all of the obese people you've lost contact with? Jim Norton does. They're totally fine, he said. No need to worry.

I checked out Norton's show at the Addison Improv over the weekend, and it was a wild ride through the comedian's wicked world of politics and masturbation. When he wasn't locating long-lost relatives for audience members, the Black Sabbath superfan was ripping on everything from the CIA to John Travolta to himself.

When bemoaning his newest bedroom addition -- his sleep apnea mask -- Norton whipped out his phone, showing the audience a picture of him in the seemingly torturous device. Picture a round-headed, shorn fellow with a bird-like face. Now add plastic tubes and straps to the lower half. There you have it -- Jim Norton at night.

If you're brave, here's a pic. He's convinced his own mouth and nose are trying to kill him.

When his body isn't plotting his death (never say die, Jim!), Norton revels in his vices -- porn, massages with (possible) happy endings, plain ol' hookers. Sensing a pattern? A self-identified sex addict, Norton isn't afraid to let it all out on stage. People expect that from comedians, he said. Who he really feels sorry for are the A-list celebrities who have to live double lives (cough, John Travolta, cough).

Norton is pretty impressed with Texas, Dallas specifically. For being so conservative, he said, we sure do have a lot of massage parlors. It's as if we're required by law to have one every few hundred feet. Hey, whatever it takes to get Norton here.