Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.
Dearest Lady Mosquito:
Apparently your mosquito pools in Dallas are already testing positive for West Nile. It's April. Usually, your pools don't start testing positive until May, but this year, like a jackass who got the date of the party wrong, you show up at Dallas' door a month early. And you didn't even bring Doritos and shitty beer.
You crash every good time. You show up to patio-weather happy hours uninvited. You make everyone have to smell like DEET. On Monday mornings, you and your lady mosquito friends are flying around White Rock Lake behind a running group, complimenting each other on your chiseled thoraxes and chatting it up, "Yeah, this weekend was awesome. Spent Friday checking out Dallas Blooms at the arboretum and sucking on some prime white dude forehead, gorged on a toddler while I shopped for kale at the farmers market on Saturday. Seriously, have you had kale yet? It's great. I love trendy leaves. Then I chilled inside someone's house biting the shit out of them while they watched a My Strange Addiction marathon on TLC. Have you seen the one with the girl who eats deodorant? Yeah, seriously. She literally takes bites of the stick deodorant and uses the spray like Binaca. Chick is nasty. I heard she -- oh wait -- gotta go bite that innocent puppy in the eyelid. Later!"
And let's cut the crap right here and now, Lady Mosquito. You think I don't know that the lady mosquitoes are the ones who suck all the blood? Oh, I know. You're making mosquito dudes look like a buncha dickwads. All the dude mosquitoes eat is freakin' honeydew and berry juice. You're undoubtedly the biggest bitch in Dallas, Lady Mosquito, and our bitches are of the highest caliber, so that's saying a lot. In fact, of all the assholes on Earth, you lady mosquitoes are the biggest, most mega of assholes. Yep. You're worse than Hans Gruber, Skeletor, Faye Resnick on the most recent season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and seitan. Congratulations. I'd reward you with a gold spray-painted 40-ounce beer trophy topped with a butthole that said "You're the Biggest Worst Ever," but I'm pretty sure you'd be too busy CiCi's All-You-Can-Eat buffet-ing on the people of Dallas to even notice. And making crafts takes work. So, fuck you.
Speaking of fuck you: Fuck you uncomfortably for being able to fly. None of us can fly, and somehow you bitches got the flying powers? YOU'RE ALREADY VAMPIRES. You gotta have all-the-time-flight powers, too? Real vampires just realized you annoy them more than Robert Pattinson's stupid face.
Lady Mosquito, you, ma'am, are the absolute worst. I sincerely hope you die.