Film and TV

Most Eligible Dallas Episode 3: Ask Me About My Package

We're watching Bravo's Most Eligible Dallas every week so you don't have to. The third episode finds Courtney in nice-making, flirty-flirty mode. New sensations! On with the show ...

Scene 1: Before we join Courtney's morning hangover drama in progress, it's important to note Bravo's method of establishing setting. In quick flashes, we see a skyline, a street shot, a Texas flag, a trolley, a horse and more buildings. Must be Dallas!

OK, back to Courtney. She's still in bed from last week, stewing over Matt's "for-ree-ull" hangup in response to her prior rudeness to Neill. So, like any reasonable monster would do, Courtney rings up Neill to see if they can meet somewhere neutral and "get all this sorted out." She suggests the Arboretum. Once the date is set, Court throws the phone across the room and says, presumably to a crew member, "And that's how it's done." Whoa, slow down, Sister. The phone call's only half the battle.

Scene 2: Matt pretends to have a working lunch at Medina with a nondescript co-worker named John (see?), probably sent over by Central Casting. Things seem a little boring until ... VOILA! ... a blond named Holly who is a "colleague" of Matt's walks up and is immediately asked to join them. After Matt practically pushes John off of the patio and into oncoming traffic, he chats with Holly. They order a fruity, whip-creamy dessert for two and discuss romantic goals, because that's what people do at business lunches.

And, just when we least expect it, blond bomb No. 2 is dropped on the situation when Annie, an old, undoubtedly dear friend of Matt's, walks by the patio. Matt invites her to sit down, scoots her to his side of the table and begins to subtly pit the girls against each other. But since neither is contractually obligated to star on a reality series with Matt, they both get out of the situation as fast as they can. "I communicate better with women," Matt says in his cutaway. [Spit take.]

Scene 3: Arboretum time, bitches! Neill and her adorable baby, Major (or "Maje," as his mommy and we like to call him) are looking sharp, sporting matching fedoras. Courtney meets them wearing a flowing red summer dress and a turquoise necklace that sucks up all the energy everywhere. The three sit down at a picnic table for some breast milk and wine. Court makes a somewhat genuine effort to make amends by blaming Matt for her unbridled aggression. Works for us. At first, Neill's cold to the apology, but she warms up, thanks to Courtney's obvious bond with Maje.

Scene 4: Matt calls Courtney from his pussy wagon, tells her he's impressed with her niceness toward Neill. Although he's unsure of her motives, he's cool for now because he obviously has many other women's insecurities to fuel.

Scene 5: Courtney, Matt and Glenn continue the brunch at Sfuzzi that began in Episode 1. (Seriously, editors?) The lady informs the men that she's signed them up for a charity date auction. Each will come up with his dream date, and they'll wear shirts that read, "Ask me about my package." Meaning *date* package. Glenn is very excited about this: Not only will there be an exchange of money, but he might end up boning someone. Matt is nonplussed because, for once, he's not in control of anything.

Scene 6: Court and Tara meet at Posh Nail Spa, make small talk over polish colors and then sit down to get their toes did. There's also wine involved, of course. Tara mentions that her doofus of a date from last week, local radio personality Jody Dean, will be stopping by the salon to say hello. Courtney is horrified. "So, all I know about this guy is he has a face for radio, and heeeez ... ollllderrrr?" Don't you love how she can fit so many insults into one sentence? It's truly a gift.

But the questioning about Jody continues, to comedic effect. Turns out he's got four ex-wives and three kids. "So, seven bags, he's checking?" Courtney asks. You know, she's really starting to make sense. Jody arrives, putting his best white-hair soul patch forward. Proceeds to bumble around the salon for a minute before he can't take the awkwardness any longer. Before he leaves, Courtney makes her voice higher and gives a fake, "Jody it was niiice to meet yew!" It's official: We love her.

Scene 7: Courtney arrives at Matt's house, just as he is exiting the shower in only a towel. She's getting him ready for the big charity date auction, giving him a few tips on scoring with the cougs. "Are you whoring me out tonight?" he asks, half-excited. "Yep!"

Cut to Glenn's house, where he's doing pull-ups in preparation for the auction. Now there's a man who knows how to prepare. "I'm just an easy target to embrace!" Glenn says in his cutaway. [Holding tongue. Washboard abs make the poor handling of language go down easier.]

Scene 8: Auction time at BlackFinn! Drew and Tara are there for moral support. Well, Drew's actually there to bid on Glenn, which won't be awkward in the slightest. Glenn in interview: "Matt ... has a little advantage, being a hometown hero, but there's no way Matt's going to get a higher bid than me." Well, at least the last part is accurate. The sparkle in Drew's eyes as he tells Daylon (yay for recurring side characters!) of his plan to buy Glenn is perhaps the most honest thing in the entire episode. Because, hey, if every other luxury is available via buddon-press, it should only take a few hundy to get a little closer to a straight NFL punter with a heart of gold and a vocabulary of shit.

The auction moves along. Matt finds his self-confidence dropping when he realizes he actually has to compete with other men. Glenn gets so much interest that Drew has to go out to the car and get his checkbook to ensure his bid will be high enough. Drew wins Glenn for $900, realizes that it won't even get him an ab rub, and decides to offer the dream-date experience to Courtney. It is, after all, a charity event. [Three-quarters burn.] Oh, by the way, Matt sells for a paltry $420. Think of the added value the winner will get when five bimbos show up mid-date! Matt in cutaway: "There wudn't a girl in there worth talkin' to."

Scene 9: Another Matt/Courtney phone call. After his standard, ultra-sexy "Wut'r you duuuin'?" they tell each other of the dates they'll be going on later that night. Courtney, of course, is hitting the town with Glenn's abs. Matt will be meeting an old friend named M.J. Courtney immediately makes fun of M.J.'s name. "I want her name to be Mary Jerry." Snicker.


10A: Glenn picks up Court in his Pakulak Cadillac. Witty-esque banter begins. Glenn takes her to Landon Winery. She teaches him how to "cheers" (always make eye contact to avoid seven years of bad sex). Sexual innuendo flies free.

10B: Tara gets ready for a date with Jesse, who's a lot like Jody Dean but sans soul patch. He arrives to escort her to Sambuca.

10C: Matt meets M.J. at Four Lounge and has cocktail master Keith whip up some treats for them. M.J. gets the cotton candy cocktail, shares it with Matt, sexily. The whole scene hurts our eyes. What's next? Will he take her to the Cheesecake Factory and say something like, "I can get you flavors that aren't on the menu"?

10D: More cute Courtney-Glenn banter. He tells her she's both intelligent AND smart. Things are going well. Glenn reveals that "three-four-five nights a week ... I kinda wish I had a cool chick to go catch a movie with." What about the other two nights? Is that when he's in the bone zone, Caddy on cruise control? Just wonderin'.

10E: Random quick-take scene of Neill recording a song in an office without a proper sound booth. This time, her song sounds like a margarine jingle. It's hard, but it's fun.

10F: Tara argues with her obnoxious man friend over topics such as Lady Gaga (he hates her), asparagus pee (she hates that he brings it up at dinner) and Tara's fashion choices (he hates the dress she was wearing when they met). He finally tells her that he's "DTF." We can go 'head and label this date dunzo.

10G: Glenn and Courtney arrive at NYLO, the site of his Episode 1 photo shoot. Guess he figures he turned himself on there before, so he can do the same for a lady friend in the same environs. Glenn starts dancing without music, to Court's delight. Then there's foot rubbing. He's seriously in full MasterBlaster mode, but in the end, Courtney won't even let him have a kiss. Sad. All he wanted was a little play from the witchy woman. Courtney in cutaway interview: "Doesn't work with me. [Points to nether region] Lock box."

10H: Matt asks M.J., "So, what's your thing?" M.J.: "My thing is work, and working out." Scintillating. He goes on to push his theory of having fun versus relationships on the poor girl. She says she's ready to commit. He coughs, gets the check. Why is he on a dating show again?

10I: Phone time with Courtney and Matt! The way they get playful and giggly when talking about their failed dates leads us to believe that they might actually be made for each other but too afraid to admit it. ... Oh, wait, we temporarily forgot that Matt is terrible, horrible and unworthy of female affection. Oh well. Here's hoping Glenn miraculously finds a key to the lock box.

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