Every now and again, rumors surface that a big time theme park developer wants to set up their rolly-coasters and flying thingamabobs somewhere in our neck of the woods. Not long after I first moved here and started working in the news business, someone gave me a tip that Disney wanted to bring a theme park to somewhere just outside of Collin County. My research found nothing. My time would have been better spent chasing a tip that Elvis was spotted at the Pecan Lodge.
The rumor still won't die -- not the Elvis one, the other one about theme parks. Either we really want a Disney theme park in our backyard or Disney has some brilliant marketing scheme in which they hire locals to start spreading the rumor at various points of the year. The rumor was so strong that a local conman was able to leverage it as part of a scheme to dupe investors.
We're so desperate for another theme park that we'll take anything that comes down the pike. Enter DreamVision, which is not Disney, though a former Disney exec is involved in the company. They announced plans to build a massive theme park in Fort Worth in early February. A heavy dose of skepticism followed the announcementincluding a range of questions about why they had yet to purchase any land for the park, their history of lawsuits and the fact that they've never actually built a theme park. If all that wasn't bizarre enough, they also released a video that will have you scratching your head so hard that you'll eventually strike brain.[jump]
The video for "DreamVision Mountain" in "Dreamscape, Texas" lays out the themes of the various parts of the park and the rides and attractions visitors can enjoy once or if it opens. It gives you a lot to digest so I've broken down my observations with timestamps.
00:27 - The announcer describes the park as "the one place where people from all over the world will find their dreams come true." Is this a theme park or Fantasy Island?
00:57 - The video describes what the guests will see when they enter the park but it can't seem to make up its mind. One shot of the entrance features some kind of futuristic-looking cathedral, then it switches to "the magical Pathway of Hope" that leads to a lush, mountainous landscape from a low-budget Avatar. This is just the entrance. They should call this part of the park "Bipolar Land."
01:56 - The centerpiece of the proposed part is "DreamVision Mountain," a massive, man-made mountain that aims to offer a place to partake in winter sports throughout the year and enjoy a veritable "winter wonderland" no matter the season or the temperature. The drawing features what appears to be a mine-train roller coaster wrapped around the mountain and a gourmet restaurant on top. Is such a thing even possible, assuming they are trying to match the footage of people skiing on what appears to be the Rocky Mountains in the middle of winter? Who's the CEO of this company? God?
02:59 - The video takes us to a place called "DreamScape Metropolis" aka New York City. Have these people ever seen a commercial for Pace picante sauce?
03:06 - The rides in "DreamScape Metropolis" include taxi-themed bumper cars that I really hope will be sponsored by Uber ...
03:10 - ... and a stock market-themed roller coaster that will take riders on "the wild ups and downs of the New York Stock Exchange." Unfortunately, only 1 percent of the people in line will actually be able to ride it.
03:24 - Next up is "Storybook Land" for the kids "where absolutely anything wonderful can happen" like, say, actually building a massive theme park in the middle of Fort Worth.
03:55 - Of course, no Texas theme park is complete without a historically inaccurate Western land. There are all sorts of clips of what people outside of Texas think Texas is actually like, including slow-motion rodeo footage, cowboys strapping on spurs and people horseback riding across massive prairies.
04:34 - There's also going to be a movie-themed section called "DreamScape Tinseltown," complete with a quaint re-creation of Hollywood's heyday and rides. This is starting to sound like someone took every theme park concept, threw it in a blender and poured out the contents.
05:14 - The announcer cautions the viewer, "Be prepared to expect the unexpected and be amazed" and that, "You will believe in miracles." Hey, actually build this thing, and we just might do that.