Valentine's Day Don'ts

Valentine's Day is stupid. And you jerks keep making it stupider by being so horrible at valentines-ing. I will now attempt to save you from your horrible selves. Here are some don'ts for this Valentine's Day. Cheers to not being the worst at this fake holiday from now on.

Don't buy anyone an edible arrangement. (Unless you can create a Meat Basket.)

If you buy your hump buddy an edible arrangement made out of fruit, you're not only saying you suck at knowing what a real flower is, but you're also assuming your lust one has a way to refrigerate eighteen pounds of pineapples. An edible arrangement of fruit says, "I know you like to eat things off of skewers. I also think you probably like receiving the same thing that I got my Nana when she broke her hip. Thanks for asking, yes, her hip is better now."

Why screw it up royally when you could win Valentine's Day forever with a meat basket. A meat basket on Valentine's day says, "I know you love sausage. Yeah, I hear it and I don't care. Let's bone."

If you can't get a glorious arrangement like this, a whole brisket in a bucket with a bow on it should work great, too. If it doesn't, you're with the wrong person.

Don't buy one of these things from Nordstrom for anyone, ever. Especially don't buy it for yourself.

Don't buy this shit off of the Internet, either. If you need a daily reminder to make out with your person, something's wrong. And don't take that the wrong way -- I'm not saying you should be making out with your person every day. If you've been married for any amount of time, it would be irresponsible to make out every day. You've got shit to do. Responsibilities. You might sprain something.

What I'm saying is this: If you put a daily reminder to make out with your person on a shelf in your home, you're telling everyone who sees it that you are a straight up dickwad. Yep. You, sir or ma'am, are a wad of dick. Don't display your desperate relationship demands in distressed all caps. Nobody wants to see that. Keep calm and shut the fuck up about it already.

Don't sit at home being super sad if you're single on Valentine's Day.

To clarify: If you're happy, you can absolutely sit at home. Sitting at home is fucking great. Sitting at home and watching shitty TV in a fuzzy pink polka dot robe is my jam. And if you're happy doing this on Valentine's Day, do it. Do it all the damn way.

But if you're gonna get all pouty-butt about being single and watching TV, you're not allowed this privilege. Don't ruin it for the people who are good at it. No, you get your sadpants self out to a bar and get laid. Little-known fact: Everyone who's in a bar on Valentine's Day wants to get laid. It's the easiest day of the year to get whatever it is that you're looking for, if getting laid on Valentine's Day is what you're looking for. So, put on some yoga pants, shower or don't, shave your legs or don't, and get out there and get laid, you buncha jerks.

One more thing: If you're a lady, I hope this holiday doesn't coincide with your period. But if it does, look at the bright side: It's historically relevant to bleed that much on this holiday! Because: massacre! You're welcome.

Now, go forth and have a happier Valentine's Day.