Kids and Family

Pottery Barn Kids Catalog Makes Me Want To Be a Kid, Then Punch That Kid in the Kid Junk

Pottery Barn Kids sends me their catalog in the mail regularly. This time, instead of throwing it straight into the trash, I opened it. They claimed to be having a Fourth of July sale, and I thought, "Oh. Maybe this sale will make the things they sell reasonably priced." I was wrong. Their sale only made me hate the happy, be-sweater-vested children in their catalog with an even hotter red hot anger fire.

I give you: A list of actual items from the Pottery Barn Kids catalog. (I had to draw the items myself, because I didn't get permission from PBK to use their photography. To be super clear: these are actual items in the catalog at their actual prices. I did not make this shit up.)

Item 1: Child's Play Kitchen This beauty (not pictured above) usually runs you a mere $769, but they're slashing prices and now it's ONLY $699!! It could be yours! Picture it: Your kid could make fake food in this beautiful ass kitchen at you while you try to make real food in your shitty ass kitchen. These days go by so fast. Cherish them with your whole life's savings. (Shipping is extra. Oh, and you're gonna need to build it yourself. You just paid $800 for a wood pile.)

Item 2: Child's Washer and Dryer

"This set lets kids expand their playtime activities and learn that 'chores' can be fun." Oh good. They need to learn at an early age that doing laundry is a fucking double rainbow blast. Definitely want the toddlers pretending to do laundry and not pretending to be astronauts in outer space. Let's set realistic expectations right off the em-effing life bat. For just $259 bucks, this glorified cabinetry can be yours.

Item 3: Child's Play Vacuum

It's a kid's toy vacuum. These have been around for centuries. They're supposed to be made by Fisher Price, and they're called "corn poppers" but you pretend they're vacuum cleaners and they're $14. This one's a Dyson. A Dyson that doesn't do shit. I'm confused -- I thought that dude always wanted things to "work properly." This $59 toy is a load of bullsh.

Item 4: Lantern Lamp

At first glance, I thought this was a lantern. Because it looks like a dang lantern, right? It's in the Outdoor section of the catalog, and they say it will "remind young ones of their daily adventures in the great outdoors" not being useful in the great outdoors? (The photo does not show the 6-ft cord that this fake lantern lamp requires to be useful.) So this is, like, a decorative lantern you put in their room to light their room? On sale for $42? I'm sold. (Light bulbs sold separately.)

Item 5: Ride-On Toy Mercedes

If you don't have $299.99 to spend on a fake Mercedes for your kid (plus shipping and handling), I'm not sure why you're alive. This car was "Made in Italy under license from Mercedes and designed in collaboration with their engineers." Thank God it's not a rip off. I mean, if they didn't pay a team of experts to build this shitty go-cart, I don't want it. The good thing is, it's not a waste of money because it's a toy for kids who are 5 years old and under, and based on their attention span, you'll get at least a day of use out of it. (Ray-Ban aviators and sense of entitlement available online only.)