Film and TV

A-List: Dallas Episode 3: How Far the Fallout ...

Scene 1: We join last week's Footloose pool party in progress. Stylist/future cartoon character Phillip continues to rage uncontrollably at having been pushed in the water by the doe-eyed RepubiChristian, Taylor. Taylor's secret beau, Brokeback Levi, also got wet in the pushing, so his sessual affection for the kid takes a backseat to temporary anger. In fact, straight-woman-to-the-gays Ashley has to use her curly-hair shield to protect Tay Tay from Levi's wrath. It's a bad scene. And country-as-hell party host Chase is three colors of mortified. Worst tragedy? For the first time in the season, Levi's hair looks a mess.

Scene 2: Ashley's joined on a little boutique-shopping spree by the one cast member who miraculously avoided any direct drama at the pool party - loony, lushy trust-funder James. The two bond over shiny belts and boy talk. Seems James has met someone and has a hot date lined up. Ashley's cautious. As her cutaway reveals, "James is like a puppy ... so quick to fall in love." A puppy that bites, depending on how many doubles it's had.

Scene 3: Phillip visits Chase's minimalist pad to clear the air and apologize for his involvement in the party spat. "I just need to hear it from your perspective, darlin'," Chase says. And, truly, we begin to understand Phillip's anger as he explains. I mean, a Burberry polo and a phone were ruined. Ruined! Chase understands, and decides to direct 100 percent of his anger toward the one what did the pushin'. Chase, referring to Taylor: "That boy will apologize to me, or he will suffer." Showdown imminent ...

Scene 4: Levi stops by Ashley's to ask for a favor regarding his undercarriage company, Inchwear. Yes, the brand name refers to the measurement unit used for ... units. We find out later that the waist band looks like a ruler. Classy! Anyway, Levi needs Ashley to be the photographer on a marketing shoot for the line, and he needs her soon. Since Levi obviously can't afford a studio rental or a professional model, they agree to shoot the photos outside in water ... with Phillip modeling. Phillip, who threw punches the last time he got wet.

Scene 5: Strangely, Phillip's more than happy to model Levi's special drawers. They meet to discuss and, ahem, try things on. Levi admires Phillips assets enough to give him a few friendly slaps. The Inchwear is cut so low that it requires a Logo blur over Phil's upper crack.

Scene 6: Ashley and Taylor take their doggies for a walk and enjoy popsicles. But Ashley is not in such a light mood. She tells Taylor he has some 'splaining to do after the Pool Push of 2011. She's upset that she had to come between him and everyone else. "Ashley, I have bigger concerns than people falling in the pool," Taylor responds with nary an expression. Ashley: "Do you know how that made me feel? Do you even care?" Taylor, with small smirk: "Oh yeah ... that was really sweet of you." The doggie date ends with no resolution. Ashley, in cutaway: "I'll definitely have Taylor on my prayer list tonight." Oh, so THAT'S what she calls it.

Scene 7: Phillip "styles" one of his clients, a dog-holding sorority veteran named Kameron. There's some vapid back-and-forth and finally a bit of substance: Phil needs advice on hardening his bod for the upcoming Inchwear shoot. Kameron suggests a colonic. "Is it chemicals that go up there?" Phillip asks. Five seconds later, Kameron: "I heard someone once had, literally, a Barbie shoe that came out of their colonics." My brain's spontaneously combusting.

Scene 8: James goes on his date with the slightly Toby-Maguire-esque Jarred. Things said by James in the first few minutes: "You'll learn ... when I start borrowing your shirts and stuff." "I just keep wanting to kiss you. I don't know why." "So, what do you think ... about me? It doesn't have to be, like, specific." Ghetto Spider-Man can barely contain his freaked-outedness. Has second thoughts about becoming a side character.

Scene 9: Phillip's ready for his close-up at Dallas Colon Therapy. The "therapist" explains to Phil how to comfortably insert something into his ass. It's clear she doesn't know him well. The colonic ensues, as Phillip prepares to release. Laser hair removal last week, colonic this week. If the next episode contains any kind of eye surgery, someone else might have to do the recap.

Scene 10: The big Inchwear photo shoot is on. Ashley, in cutaway: "When I do a photo shoot, I see what they're looking for, and then don't listen to 'em." You know what? I'm just going to let direct quotes tell the story of this scene. You put the pieces together. Levi: "Phillip didn't really have that bulge I was looking for." Phillip: "There's obviously a design flaw here, if it's making my junk look flat." Ashley: "Those are called private parts for a reason." Ashley: "Phillip's really gay, so he doesn't run the way maybe a model [long pause] should [long pause] run." Phillip: "Both Levi and Ashley are shouting instructions to me? But I'm really leading toward Ashley's because she's the pher-tographer."

Scene 11: More Phillip and Ashley. This time they're meeting James for drinks, which could very well end in a pose-off. James details the failings of his date with Spider-Jarred. He feels he's too unattractive and clingy for this guy. Ashley picks up on some serious self-esteem issues and calls them out. James orders a double.

Scene 12: Let the Chase-Taylor showdown commence! At Taylor's tastefully-decorated dwelling, Chase indirectly demands an apology and Taylor refuses to give it. He doubles down, says he pushed those fellas in the pool only to liven up a boring party. Chase will hear no more, DARLIN'. He storms out in a cloud of bitchitude. He should realize that you can't reason with a pretty face and a plastic heart.

Scene 13: James meets a hired life coach at the lake to help him get rid of these sudden self-esteem issues plaguing him. They get to know each other, and then they shout Stuart Smalley platitudes over the water together.

Scene 14: Levi and Taylor do some kissing and making up at the Meddlesome Moth. Both on top of their hair game. Funny how Taylor's so quick to apologize when there's the potential for a good lay. And Levi's more than willing to keep the sexy times going, provided that Tay-Tay reaches out to Phillip with an apology. Cutaway interviews for both, however, reveal some cracks in the bond. Levi knows Taylor's manipulative, Taylor's proud of himself for manipulating so well.

Scene 15: Levi brings the photos from the Inchwear shoot to his marketing specialist, who immediately declares the shots to be terrible and amateurish. Levi immediately throws Ashley under the bus and promises to get a new photographer. We'll see how that goes. (Hint: Next week's preview shows a certain cowboy's face getting slippity-slapped.)

Scene 16: Taylor's apology train makes a required stop at Times Ten Cellars, where Phillip's clinched face and hand gestures tell us it'll take more than lip service to make things right. But we're not dealing with an amateur here: Taylor's already admitted he's a master manipulator. So, he distracts Phil by revealing the terribly kept secret that he and Levi are dating again. Phillip warms up immediately at the thought of spreading it around, and forgets that he's mad about that other thing. Best friends forever!

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