Alice Column

Pleasure Doing Business: An Ode to the Nordstrom Bathroom

You've been there: You're walking through Nordstrom in NorthPark because it's on the way to the rest of the mall, and some cute plastic watch in the jewelry case catches your eye and so you ask the nice saleslady if you can "Check that sucker out," and the nice saleslady says, "Sure!" and gets it out for you and then the price of the item leads you to immediately need to crap yourself.

And so, you make a beeline to the bathroom via the escalator, trying to avert your eyes from the clothes on passing floors since the stuff you can see from the escalator is always the most prettiest, most expensivest shit in the store. You instinctively put your hands behind your back.

You start to worry that if you spend much more time in this store, security will be forced to escort you out for "looking average." But all those worries immediately vanish as you open the door to the ladies' restroom.

You immediately smell lilacs, rainbows and all the happiest memories. There's also the faintest note of some smell you can't quite put your finger on. ("Is someone roasting marshmallows? Oh, nope. That's trust funds. Definitely the smell of trust funds.") You immediately decide that you could live here forever. This is the Willy Wonka Candy Forest of bathrooms. It. Has. Everything.

This is a ladydump sanctuary. There are nice towels for wiping off your freshly manicured hands, there are perfectly lit mirrors for checking to make sure your Botox is still working and you can sense that the toilets here never get dirty. It's like the place is too nice. Poop smell simply can't penetrate the lavender force field the Nordstrom bathroom people have developed. Crap just vanishes before it even hits the water.

There's a lounge with couches in it, where some rich ladies sitting in rich lady armchairs are feeding their three-piece-suit-clad babies and discussing whether or not they "love, love" the new pope. There's giant, Old Money art on the walls. Simply add some cheese trays and a few bottles of wine, and this bathroom lounge is the perfect place to comfortably host an engagement party or baby shower. You consider napping here for three hours and telling your husband you were at the Nordstrom Spa.

Nordstrom bathroom, you are beyond amazing. Thank you for making the public-restroom-using experience so fuckin' fancy.