Dallas Stars

Sean Avery Got Suspended? For What?!

"Sloppy seconds"? That's all he said? You're shitting me, right?

I could've sworn Sean Avery played professional hockey, not pre-school hopscotch.

Avery, signed by the Dallas Stars to be a well-dressed, sharp-tongued agitator, was suspended indefinitely by the NHL last night for daring to utter a phrase you can hear on Jon Stewart or even Jay Leno any ol' night of the week. Before airing the biting sound byte, ESPN's Linda Cohn ridiculously cautioned, "what you're about to hear may be offensive."

After Dallas' morning skate in Calgary prior to last night's 3-1 win, Avery approached a group of reporters and said ...

"I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."

That's it? That's it. I know. WTF?

Avery's ex-girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert, is dating Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf and had been romantically linked to Mike Komisarek of the Montreal Canadiens. Avery also dated model and actress Rachel Hunter, the current girlfriend of Los Angeles Kings center Jarrett Stoll.

I know Avery is the most hated man in hockey and he's well on his way to alienating himself from the entire Stars' room with his on- and off-ice shenanigans, but this suspension amounts to making a pile out of profanity. Wait. It's not even profanity.

Raise your hand if you've never used the term "sloppy seconds". Raise it higher if you've never indulged. I won't even ask if you'd re-trace Avery's footsteps to Cuthbert.

Over, above and separate, Avery's line was funny. No?

Sorry, I don't get it. Jerry Jones didn't as much as admonish Pacman Jones for getting in an alcohol-induced fight with his own bodyguard at a local hotel and Mark Cuban didn't punish Josh Howard for his vulgar disrespect of our national anthem, but Tom Hicks will suspended Avery for this?

"I completely support the league's decision to suspend Sean Avery," Stars owner Tom Hicks said in a statement. "Had the league not have suspended him, the Dallas Stars would have. This organization will not tolerate such behavior, especially from a member of our hockey team. We hold our team to a higher standard and will continue to do so."

'Splain to me how in the hell this is detrimental to the game? Isn't it just creative, colorful trash-talking? Last time I checked, hockey players were the toughest dudes in sports. What, all the sudden they've traded in their sweaters for thin skin?

While Avery has a date with NHL commish Gary Bettman, Hicks should be thanking him. With Dallas near the NHL cellar and playing without captain Brenden Morrow, at least the guy has us talking about Stars' hockey, eh?

If I'm Avery, I refuse to apologize. Not until those other meanies quit calling me "faggot".
 - Richie Whitt