Got Any Irish In You?

Want some? In the spirit of upcoming St. Patrick's Day? Yeah? Well then, don't turn to this year's Zagat guide to "America's Top Irish Pubs." According to the booklet, handed out with promo bottles of Irish Spring body wash, Dallas' top five Irish pubs are The Tipperary Inn (5815 Live Oak St.), the Blarney Stone (2116 Greenville Ave.), The Dubliner (2818 Greenville Ave.), the Idle Rich Pub (2614 McKinney Ave.) and Trinity Hall (Mockingbird Station). While I've found Zagat pretty reliable when it comes to eating out in New York and London, I'm not exactly raising my pint with a hearty "Slainte!" when it comes to these recs.

Seriously, Zagat, Blarney Stone? Sure, they've got a couple of bartenders with Irish brogues, but you can barely hear them over the din of Lowest Greenville jerkovs ordering Jaegerbombs (hey, Alpha Pi Douche brah, you could at least make it an Irish car bomb).The bar scored a "19, 18, 21, $5," which, for those of you not familiar with Zagat's rating system, means it's "good to very good" for appeal and decor, "very good to excellent" for service, and beers cost around $5.

The Dubliner? OK, respectable. I guess. I wouldn't know. I get a weird rash when I go into Greenville bars that aren't named "The Cavern," "Gezellig" or "The Libertine" (something to do with having hipster bangs and liking Belgian beer) but I hear good things. So, hurrah, Dubliner! It scored a decent "23, 18, 21, $5" — "very good to excellent" appeal and service, with "good to very good" decor.

And I guess if you just absolutely have to go somewhere in Uptown -- maybe you live nearby because you rented the apartment before you ever stepped foot in Dallas, thereby making you unaware of the fact that the whole neighborhood smells of day-old Hugo Boss cologne -- the Idle Rich Pub is a decent destination. I know because I've been there once (on the company's tab, natch), but apparently Zagat hasn't. There's no numerical rating for the place and not even a solid beer price listed. And the blurb reads like pure publicist drivel; you know the self-congratulating PR flak who came up with "bevy of beers" gave himself a big pat on the shoulder for that one.

And then there's Trinity Hall, a Mockingbird Station insta-pub that's trying so hard to get it right that it gets it too right. The place feels like a cheap movie set. It also lacks ratings and price estimate. And it boasts a "smoke-free" atmosphere. Smoke-free pub. I'd type more, but I'm laughing too hard. Hold on.

OK. Deep breath. They did get one right: Everybody knows the best Irish joint in town is Lakewood's Tipperary Inn, where every Tuesday night they host an actual Irish pub activity -- trivia night. Starts at 8 p.m. I'm smarter than you, and I'm better at geography, so I'll see you there to beat your ass and give it a thorough coating of their Guinness queso when I'm done. --Andrea Grimes