Test Patterns

Little strapped for cash? Got knee pain? Migranes? Or maybe vaginal atrophy? Or a spastic colon? Meth addiction? Hypoactive sex drive? Well, do I have the solution for you! It's called Research Across America, a clinical-study biz with offices in Dallas (and El Paso, Manhattan and Reading, Penn.), and if you have medical issues, they have an experimental treatment they'd like to try on you. They just got done hosting a mess of meth addicts at their Dallas location to test something called the PROMETA Protocol for Methamphetamine Dependence, which sounds like a 12-week program involving drugs and nutritional supplements; according to their results announced this morning, it works, but I've seen enough episodes of Law & Order and Behind the Music to be skeptical of pharm company claims of cures. Either way, does not sound like a party. But I also hope this pill in my hand ain't no placebo. --Robert Wilonsky