Shake Shack Announces New Uptown Location as Dallas Solidifies Burger Dynasty

On October 15, beloved restaurant chain Shake Shack released a white puff of Angus beef smoke from its burger conclave, signaling that a new Shake Shack location has been chosen. It will be in Uptown Dallas.

As the people rejoiced in a cavalcade of horse-drawn carriages carrying the Shake Shack Burger Flag and several of Dallas' citizens playing lutes artfully decorated to look like cheeseburgers, officials solidified a quadrilateral burger dynasty that historians will surely study for years to come: Dallas is now home to Whataburger, Five Guys, In-N-Out Burger and Shake Shack.

The city will likely shut down for four to five days of wild celebrations. Here is what we’ve learned: Shake Shack will be open in Uptown's The Crescent in 2016, under a “verdant canopy of trees, the perfect spot to kick back with a delicious ShackBurger® and cold ShackMeister® Ale, just steps from a corner park complete with lawn furniture and bocce ball.” Holy shit, I love a verdant canopy of trees! 

Shake Shack has even gone so far as to illustrate, gloriously, the state of Texas with a star over Dallas’ location and the graphic of a hamburger within the star. The great Shake Shack has rightly deemed us a burger capital! As we are a burger capital, so shall our city flourish under a great blanket of American cheese! Artist renderings of the sun-bathed Shake Shack location were also included (see below).

Be sure to note the utopian feel to them. Scientific studies have long detailed the increase in general happiness in areas where Shake Shacks are present, and even illustrated a general decline in what’s called “burger sads” in a 3-5 mile radius around recently built locations. It’s called the Shack Effect.

The Observer will post news any updates regarding the new Uptown Shake Shack, with the ardent hope they add their corny dogs to the menu. Those are the shit.