My Family Is Absolutely Right About Despising the Cowboys

If, like me, you’ve devoted an unhealthy portion of your life to attempting to make sense of the Dallas Cowboys, you’ve probably been frustrated by conversations about the team with your family. You may have realized a long time ago that your closest relatives have had their minds made up about the team for a long time.

They hate them.

Oh, they’re fans of the team, ostensibly. But the Cowboys have hurt them and upset them so many times over the last 56 years that they
just don’t have a lot of nice things to say. But, especially in a season like this, it’s hard to say that your family’s Hot Sports Opinions are wrong. After watching Cowboys-Bills with my dad, uncle and cousins on Sunday, I really couldn’t argue with the following points.

“I’ve got to where I can’t hardly even get interested in ‘em.”

Well, you’re 84, Uncle Donald. And considering all the pills the doctor has you on, it’s understandable.

“They’re gonna get their ass beat. [Kellen] Moore ain’t gonna do nothing, because he’s not that kind of quality of a ballplayer. He’s too little. He ain’t got no receivers. Dez ain’t gonna be playing. Of course that don’t mean much – Dez ain’t been playing all year.”

Vegas agreed. The Cowboys were 6.5-point underdogs. And Moore was making his first start as an NFL quarterback after spending most of
four seasons on NFL practice squads. With Dez Bryant out — even a Dez Bryant that has been hampered by a foot injury and poor quarterback play — the Cowboys ain’t got no receivers, indeed.

“But they’ll probably try to win it and knock theyselves out of a good draft choice.”

If you listened to Jason Garrett, that was his plan. After all, Sunday marked another opportunity for his team to put its best foot forward. Nothing — nothing — could be more important.

“Look at that, Brandon Carr standing five yards off of the receiver. Another easy catch.”

Old Cowboys fans remember a time when things never went wrong for their team. No one ever completed a pass against Cornell Green or Mel
Renfro. It just didn’t happen in the old days. Tom Landry wouldn’t allow it.

“Who’s No. 21?”

A hell of a question, Dad. Who are all of these guys? In a season that has become devoted to giving young players a chance and teaching
others a lesson about following the dress code, there definitely were some mystery men on the field Sunday.

“Look at that. He just flat-ass didn’t want to tackle him. They miss more tackles than any team in the league. They just ain’t got no self-respect or personal pride about ‘em on defense."

Well, except for Sean Lee. Right?

“He made one little catch and now he’s got to show out. All they want to do is show off for the camera.”

Dad’s right. It was way over the top when Brice Butler high-fived the Cowboys fan in the first row. Just gratuitous. There are children watching!

“I knew they wasn’t gonna be no good when they went out there to training camp and the coaches took ‘em to the park and took ‘em on train rides and didn’t get ‘em in shape."

Fair point. The coaches may have treated the players a bit too much like their grandchildren this summer — but it was really sweet to watch
offensive coordinator Scott Linehan letting receiver Terrance Williams feed bread crumbs to the ducks. 

For real, though: People always say not to make much out of the preseason, but the Cowboys looked like crap in the exhibition games, too.That should’ve been foretelling of the awful season to come.

“I used to say I wanted to see them win one more Super Bowl before I died, but I think now I would just settle for seeing them score another touchdown.”

The Cowboys have not scored more than one touchdown in a game since their 33-14 loss to Carolina on Thanksgiving. After Sunday’s Dan Bailey solo show, they’ve now gone six quarters without a touchdown, and have scored only two touchdowns in their last 12 quarters.

“They’ve got no coach.”

If the Cowboys lose next week, they will have a 41-41 record in Garrett’s five full seasons as head coach. After three straight 8-8 seasons
to start his career, nothing could be more appropriate or predictable. And maybe that, more than the age or the pills, is why people who have been fans since the franchise’s first game are starting to lose interest.