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The Real Housewives of Dallas Episode 5: Quick Fights and Quicker Reconciliations

The Real Housewives of Dallas Episode 5 Recap
"Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"

From everything we’ve been told, The Real Housewives of Dallas started out as a show about women balancing their society, personal and career lives. But when Housewives executive producer Andy Cohen saw the footage, he said Dallas needed to be the next city to gain a Housewives show.

Well, we are five episodes in and we are not positive we are watching the same show as Cohen. We’re halfway convinced someone showed Cohen old episodes of Dallas and tricked him into thinking it was all real and up-to-date and he waved around his fingers and said, “Make this a Housewives show!” and now here we are. Sad and confused.

Also, surprise! Bravo did this thing called Surprise Saturday, where they showed all of this week's new episodes Saturday night. Did you watch? We didn't think so. Will you watch tonight? No? Well we did. So here you go.

The good thing about this episode is the ladies go absolutely nowhere in Dallas. We bounce from a house in the suburbs to another house in the suburbs where all the ladies sigh loudly and talk about how hard it is being involved in dramatic friendships. All the husbands kill themselves and now it’s The Real Widows of Dallas. Still not interested? OK.

The ladies are all sighing because of that nasty fight between LeeAnne Locken and Tiffany Hendra. Locken accused Hendra of not having her back, stormed out of Marie Reyes' cocktail party, there was some pushing and shoving, Locken pushed a camera, and then to really drive it all home, she slapped a trolley as it passed by. Then she took off her heels and disappeared into oblivion.

But then voila, she appears again at a Legacy Counseling Center event where she, Hendra and Cary Deuber donate their clothes to women with AIDS. Locken and Hendra don’t address the night before and la la la, this show is boring.

Back with Brandi Redmond: She is still dealing with meeting her estranged grandfather for the first time. Over at the Deuber residence, Deuber gets a new dress from her feminine husband because Locken spilled Champagne on her other dress. Stephanie Hollman is getting spoiled by her husband for their seventh wedding anniversary.

We see Locken and Hendra head to Taverna, an Italian restaurant, to patch up their fight, also known as the most exciting thing on this show so far. And 15 seconds later, everything is fine. Not even positive the waiter had set the menus down before everything was OK. It could be the most non-dramatic fight on television ever. The Duggars on 19 Kids and Counting have more confrontation than this show. The Brady kids fought more over shared bathroom space. SpongeBob and Patrick have gotten into more underwater arguments. OK, you get the point.

The episode ends with Redmond still getting to know her grandfather and Redmond's husband, Bryan, being a real D-bag and not caring. It's actually kind of sad because Redmond just wants to be loved by these men in her life.

Poop references: We swear on our life, there are none this episode. Alert your Sunday School teacher because miracles do exist.