Film Reviews

Joe Bob Briggs

I always wanted to use the word "penultimate" in a sentence, and this is the penultimate week of the 1996 Drive-In Academy Award nominations, better known as the Hubbies--the only awards that never honor Emma Thompson under any circumstances.

And the nominees are...

Best Geek Acting
* Penny Arcade, Hellroller, as the weirdbeard aunt who pushes the Wheelchair Kid around while screaming, "I should have aborted you!"

* Marina Del Rey, Shatter Dead, as the breast-feeding zombie grandma.
* James Gale, Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, as the mysterious body-piercing enthusiast who says, "I want these people to know the meaning of horror--is that clear?"

* Mike Moore, My Sweet Satan, as the whiny little weasel who gets carved up in the woods.

* Joe Stevens, Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, as the Machiavelli-quoting redneck with a cattle prod and bad teeth who says, "Family values have gone straight to hell."

Best Kung Fu
* Roddy Piper, Jungleground, as the target of every roller-blading drug dealer in the Star Wars version of the South Bronx.

* Jeff Speakman, as the morose SWAT-team instructor who says, "It's never gonna be over for me," while setting out in a rubber pontoon boat to fight 200 death-row inmates.

* Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, The Dangerous, as the revenge-seeking superninja who tells his mama, "We are no longer people--we are wind."

* Shannon Tweed, No Contest, as an ex-beauty-contest-winner-turned-kung-fu-movie-star who battles Andrew Dice Clay to the death in a kickboxing match on a Vegas hotel roof.

* Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Ring of Fire III, as the mild-mannered doctor who breaks up a nuclear-weapons ring by machine-gunning helicopters from the roof of the hospital where he works, kung-fuing hit men who get in his way while he's driving home and going fishing in the mountains with the ring's secret computer disk in his bag.

Best Monster
Dan Blom, Mind Ripper, as the twitching, vomiting, furball-burping supermutant who says, "You're the one that made me hurt!"

* Steve Brown, Darkness, as the blood-spurting, groaning, whiny zombie who leads the zombie pack, for saying, "Forgive me, Greg," as he becomes a blood geyser and his head explodes.

* Robert Jacks, Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, as a new, improved, more womanly Leatherface.

* Lawrence King, Abducted II: The Reunion, as the pelt-wearing wildman who dances around screaming: "You've got nice things! I like nice things!" and telling his three hostages, "Choosing a wife is a big thing in a man's life."

* Tony Todd, Candyman II: Farewell to the Flesh, as the demonic Hook Man, who says, "I am the writing on the wall, the whisper in the classroom," and, "Swallow your horror and let it nourish you--come with me and sing the song of misery--share my world!"

Best Serial Killer
* Brad Friedman, Dead Boyz Can't Fly, as the murdering transvestite who gulps several quarts of pills, engages in a fight to the death with a Vietnam-vet-turned-janitor, gets his throat slit ear to ear, but finishes the movie.

* Ron Litman, Hellroller, as the wheelchair-bound, hate-filled killer who keeps screaming, "I want my own place!"

* Robert Patrick, Last Gasp, as a mild-mannered construction foreman by day, nekkid bloody-thirsty Toltec vampire by night.

* Lisa Dean Ryan, Twisted Love, as the unrequited psycho who says, "You're such an amazing boyfriend, you know that?" and, "Crazy? You have the gall to call me crazy?" and, "Don't you leave me! You kill me now! I love you!"

* Kim Strauss, Street Angels, as the depraved, sadistic, muscle-shirt-wearing pretty-boy villain who beats up old winos, kills cops with a death punch called the Dim Mak, shoots his girlfriend for laughing at another guy's jokes and says, "That'll teach you to disturb me when I'm drinking."

Joe Bob's Find That Flick
This week's cranium cruncher comes from...Charles "Bangkok Charlie" Fisher of Almonte, Ontario, Canada:

"Last year I watched a 'short' on the tube that knocked me out. I wake up at night wondering how to find it again (and how it got on that screen in the first place)!

"Here is the story: A young girl is going to bed upstairs in a suburban home. In the garden a lad is looking up at her window.

"He attracts her attention, she opens the window, they talk and the young man climbs up the side of the house into her room.

"Soon they undress and engage in some energetic horizontal jogging--so energetic, in fact, that it begins to bring down the plates and move furniture in the sitting room below, where ma and pa are trying to watch television.

"Intervention attempted by parents is completely futile. Young man states he intends to take girl away with him; girl is set to go. Pa looks anxious but finally says, 'It's a bad night. Hadn't you better take my car?'

"The young man, who seems to be a well-known rock star, replies (and this is his big three-star line), 'No, thank you. I wouldn't like any of my friends to see me driving a station wagon.'

"I need hardly say this summary does no justice to a very funny, very sexy, and, finally, very daring movie featuring a most attractive girl (not 'stacked,' thank you very much!).

"Has anyone else seen this?"
A video will be awarded to the correct answer. (The winner chooses from a list of about a thousand titles.) In the event of a tie, a drawing will be held. Send "Find That Flick" questions and solutions to Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221. You can also fax them to (213) 462-5982 or e-mail them to Joe Bob on the Internet: [email protected]. (E-mail entries must include a postal mailing address.)

1996 Joe Bob Briggs (Distributed by NYT Special Features)

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Joe Bob Briggs

Latest Stories