Film Reviews

Joe Bob Briggs

It's Ladies Week in the ongoing announcement of the 1996 Drive-In Academy Award nominees, and somewhere in this column you will find our favorite Hubbie category (as if I have to tell you which one that is).

Get out your pencils, and gimme the goldurn envelope.

Best Actress
* Maria Ford, Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats, as the reluctant Amazon who's tortured by French perverts and spends the whole movie in 19th-century peasant lingerie.

* Torri Higginson, Jungleground, as the artistic girlfriend who turns into a great screamer when Killer Twins come to do away with her in her groovy loft apartment.

* Debbie Rochon, Abducted II: The Reunion, as the junk-food-eating redhead who describes her old boyfriend by saying, "I like animals."

She gets nominated for excellent screaming and for the big emotional scene where she says, "You make this sound like some kind of a game!"

* Kathy Shower, Married People, Single Sex 2: For Better or Worse, as the neglected wife who packs up all her stuff, puts the kids in the station wagon and gets away from the lying, no-good scumball she's married to.

* Steen, the one-name wonder, in Turnaround, as the oversexed blonde who daydreams about traveling to Costa Rica, drinking some weird jungle drugs and making love to a nekkid Indian while he finger-paints all over her body--but settles for hot sex with goofball con man Fred Lehne.

Breast Actress
* Paula Barbieri, The Dangerous, as the mysterious girlfriend who wears a micromini and high heels throughout the flick, including the scenes in which she's being chased by mobsters with automatic weapons.

* Lissa Boyle, Friend of the Family, as the hot-to-trot daughter known at the high school as a United Way Agency; and for Intimate Deception, in which she plays a knockout nude model who loves her work, saying, "I look at myself as an essential ingredient in the art of creation."

* Mimi Craven, Last Gasp, as the beautiful, bubble-headed realtor who falls in love with a Toltec vampire.

* Patti Davis, Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis, wherein she reveals her weakness for "guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that end up being your downfall"--a preference that is somehow related to her memories of bodysurfing with her father as a child.

"Water has always been a very healing thing for me," she says, right before a hunk walks out of the surf and starts kissing every inch of her hula-skirted bod.

This is right before the sci-fi fantasy where she dresses like a hooker, dials up the perfect man and the perfect woman on her computer, then waits for them to appear in a cloud of dry ice, tie her to the bed, and basically make her into a sandwich.

* Tamela Glenn, Space Freaks from the Planet Mutoid, as the frizzy-haired outer-space sex-goddess girl in a punk wedding dress.

* Melissa Anne Moore, Compelling Evidence, as the bosomy, hot-tubbing love toy willing to get nekkid at the drop of a towel.

* Theresa Morris, Private Lessons: Another Story, the hot little party girl who just keeps dancing out onto the roof of a trendy South Beach disco, where she then strips and does the Horizontal Hustle in front of a neon sign.

* J.J. North, Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold, in the title role, for saying, "Help me, I'm huge!" and, "I'm a big girl--I can take care of myself."

* Anna Nicole Smith, To the Limit, as the secret-agent lover who takes such oversized showers they have to letterbox the scenes and who keeps changing her hair color in the middle of the movie.

* Shannon Whirry, Private Obsession, as the supermodel who spends the whole movie sitting on a bed in her underwear, screaming stuff like, "Let me out of here!" and, "I'd like something to eat!" and, "This is weird! I need some space!"

Best Femme Fatale
* Nicole Gian, Intimate Deception, as the wily but sexually frustrated wife who likes to lurk in the neighbor's bushes.

* Gloria Lusiak, Blondes Have More Guns, as husband-killer Montana Bever-Schotz, the woman who likes to get nekkid and sex men to death while drilling them with a plug-in chainsaw until she gets auctioned off, Demi Moore-style, for $68.52.

* Shauna O'Brien, Friend of the Family, as the walking Goodwill box who rings the doorbell one day, introduces herself to the stepmom as an old friend of a friend, and ends up installed in the guest house, where she has sex with everyone in the family.

* Tanya Roberts, Deep Down, who sleeps with every member of the cast while wearing black lace catsuits around the apartment complex and taking nude swims at midnight.

* Julie Strain, Sorceress, as a demon spirit who haunts people while wearing black lingerie and 6-inch spike heels.

Best Bitch
* Sandahl Bergman, Inner Sanctum II, as the snotty wife who likes to throw playing cards at her husband right before they have sex.

* Olga Kabo, Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats, as the jealous, nasty, catfighting lesbo who says, "We can't trust him! He's a man!"

* Tonie Perenski, Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, as the oversexed, violence-loving girlfriend who thinks there's a remote-control bomb in her head.

* Julie Strain, Married People, Single Sex 2: For Better or Worse, as the dominatrix who's so scary she makes grown women cry.

* Mollena Williams, America's Deadliest Home Video, as the charming, shotgun-wielding trigger-woman who says, "I'm going to watch you die like a pig."

Most Breasts
* Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis: 90.
* Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats: 48.
* Caged Hearts: 35.
* Intimate Deception: 33.
* Married People, Single Sex 2: For Better or Worse: 33.
* The Dangerous: 32.
* Friend of the Family: 30.
* Sorceress: 27.
* Private Obsession: 26.
* Red Lips: 26.

Send them ballots to P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221. You can also fax them to (213) 462-5982, or e-mail them to Joe Bob on the Internet at [email protected].

1996 Joe Bob Briggs (Distributed by NYT Special Features.)

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Joe Bob Briggs

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