Film Reviews

Joe Bob Briggs

Has there ever been a cop show on TV where the witnesses cooperate with the cops?

Has this ever happened?
I was watching "Law and Order" the other day, and they were investigating a rape, and every person they talked to would say, "I don't know nothin," or "I don't have nothin' to say" or they would answer the questions but have an attitude about it, like "I don't like you standin' in my livin' room--you're a cop."

I mean, I know there are people who hate cops--mostly criminals--but I don't think 99 per cent of the population treats 'em like Jehovah's Witnesses.

What would be wrong with acting nice to the cop--especially if you're guilty of a crime?

What would be wrong with saying: "Oh, Officer, you caught me by surprise! Murder? You don't say!"

But instead of that, some of the innocent people get so nasty you think they're prob'ly guilty. I understand that the screenwriters like it that way, but a show like "Law and Order" is supposed to be based on fact.

They actually do have cases in New York City where people just flat don't care whether the crooks get nailed or not.

Maybe this is why there are people who actually believe that 37 El Lay cops, the coroner's office and the district attorney's staff are all part of a conspiracy to frame O.J. for a murder he didn't commit.

They watch the trial all day long on TV, then say: "A-ha! You see that! They took a vial of blood, ran all over town with it, sloshed it on O.J.'s Bronco and then kept it a secret till this slick New York lawyer forced 'em to tell about it."

And all this comes at a time when people are saying: "More cops! More cops on the street! More cops on my street!"

Why? So you can find somebody to insult quicker?
Why don't we just invite these guys in for a cup of coffee and see what they want?

They prob'ly do not want you.
And, if they do want you, maybe they'll drop the charges.
Wouldn't that make a whole lot more sense?

And speaking of people you should definitely be nice to, Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold poses the question, "What if your girlfriend was so huge she could smush you like an ant at any moment?" Pretty dang scary, huh?

This is the long-awaited epic starring J.J. North as the ditzy blonde who takes just a little bit too many breast-enhancement drugs and ends up stomping around Malibu like the Godzilla Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Once this happens, the photographers and magazine publishers surrounding her do the sensitive, civilized thing--they stick her in a freak-show tent until they can get the photos they need for a six-crease fold-out.

Unfortunately, the other models are jealous, so one of 'em steals her blue beauty vials and we end up with Dueling Bikini Behemoths, terrorizing the population in downtown Hollywood as they engage in a hair-pulling, traffic-stopping catfight.

Meanwhile, the inventor of the Hugeness Chemical is trying to develop an antidote by attempting to shrink his 8-foot-tall lab rat by spraying stage smoke on him. This gives us plenty of time for scenes of the 60-foot J.J. trying to keep her halter top in place and repeatedly failing to do so.

My kinda movie, from the guy who brought us Dinosaur Island and many other fine tasteless epics--Fred Olen Ray his ownself.

Two dead bodies. Twenty-five breasts. One giant rat.
Giant dart to the back. Exploding rat. Exploding supporting cast.
Gratuitous chain saw attack.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for...

Tammy Parks, as the bitchy redhead who says: "Have you looked in the mirror lately? How old are you--thirty? Are your breasts getting smaller?"

The gorgeous J.J. North, in the title role, for saying: "Help me, I'm huge!" and, "I'm a big girl--I can take care of myself."

Four stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

Joe Bob's Find That Flick
This week's scalp-tickler comes from...Robert J. Chabot of Columbus, Ohio:
"A while back, when I had cable, I saw an absolutely horrible movie that co-starred John Carradine.

"As I recall, the movie was set in Mexico and involved some type of inland lake monster and a local cement factory (located conveniently next to the aforementioned lake).

"I think there may have been some type of connection between the waste product from the cement factory and the monster's existence--I cannot remember.

"John Carradine played the part of the local padre. I guarantee that this movie was the lowest point in Mr. Carradine's career as he was forced (?) to speak all of his lines in one of the worst Spanish-Mexican-English accents I have ever heard.

"Additionally, the version of the movie I saw had some of the worst closing credits I have ever seen. The closing credits appeared to have been written by someone with a really old Magic Marker.

"The opening/closing credits made it appear that the movie's title changed about a zillion times. Can you name this film?"

A video will be awarded to the correct answer. Send "Find That Flick" questions and solutions to Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.

We Have a Winner!
In a previous column, Lisa Small of Arlington, Va., asked about "some sort of vampire movie in which people were bitten on the wrist--a gay vampire flick?"

We received 11 correct answers, so our winner was chosen by drawing. And he is...Dean Helms of Merriam, Kan.:

"The movie that Lisa is thinking of is 'National Lampoon's Disco Beaver from Outer Space.' This was aired on television in 1979 as a one-hour HBO special and was a hilarious parody of various TV programs.

"An off-screen couple flip up and down the channels and view such things as the title character, whose wooden spaceship crashes in the middle of New York City. He is forced to scour the unfriendly streets for edible wood--he even steals the peg leg of an angry sailor.

"The plotline Lisa remembers is called Drag-ula, Queen of the Night, which is about an effeminate vampire who frequents lockerrooms and leather bars.

"The creature can only be repelled by hanging meat loaf over the doors, spraying Brut on him or holding up a picture of Lloyd Bridges.

"This video stars Lynn Redgrave, and one of the writers was Harry Shearer, of 'The Simpsons' and 'Saturday Night Live.'

"I've never seen this for sale from any video company, nor have I seen it aired since the early '80s."

Copyright 1995 Joe Bob Briggs. Distributed by NYT Special Features/Syndication Sales

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Joe Bob Briggs