Concert Reviews

'80s Pop Star Tiffany at Vista Ridge Mall in Suburban Dallas: Review

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The monitors buzz to life in a screech of feedback; Dorothy Hamill Haircut Guy digs a finger in his ear and announces to everyone, "Well, it's a concert!" Some production guy with a Secret Service earpiece steps to the stage and informs the crowd that Tiffany will be starting soon, but that they'll be selecting a few fans to appear, presumably with or near Tiffany, in the reality show being filmed in the food court up above. I can tell by the gasps and whispers around me that appearing on a reality show with Tiffany is an intersection of at least two specific fantasies shared by more than several people, but then the guy on stage goes, "And we'll need you to be here until about 8 p.m.," thereby crushing the dreams of everyone who had to be home before then because of a child's bedtime.

By the time 4 p.m. rolls around, the anticipation is palpable, especially if you're anywhere near this one particular tall guy with a patchy beard and Hollister t-shirt. I'm ten feet from him, and I can sense it, the way you can feel the heat radiating from someone with a hilariously terrible sunburn.

And then Tiffany appears.

The people at the front and left of the stage see her first, walking from the shadows onto the stage, and the cheers ripple backwards toward the Best Buy. This is the first time she's performed at a mall since the 1987 tour that bridged her journey from Star Search to the top of the charts, and as a performer, at least, she hasn't really missed a beat. The crowd likes it well enough, even though she's singing a single from her 2011 country album. The hook is about feeling the music, an exhortation her fans diligently follow. Tiffany whips her non-mic-holding hand about her head like she's lassoing something; I'm guessing it's memories.

The Mall Tiffany of 2014 performs five songs: the aforementioned "Feel the Music," followed by the three singles from Tiffany, and "Feel the Music" again, because she's shooting a video of it. I bet it was similar in 1987, her standing in front of 200 people in the vicinity of a Sbarro, and at the front of the crowd, sitting on the edge of the fountain is a girl about 9 or 10 with wavy hair and pink sneakers, who probably looks pretty similar to whoever brought her did in 1987. So that's the same, too, except malls are dying, etc., which gives me a weird, sad feeling, for like ten whole seconds.

I go up to the second floor when she starts "I Think We're Alone Now," and it occurs to me that if you auto-tuned this song, and I dunno, had Future moan over the hook, it would sound pretty current. I also remember that the song is fucking long, and not in a live-jam sort of way. Even when the single was new, it clocked in around five minutes, with Tiffany milking the chorus for all it's worth, which I assume is millions of dollars. And there she is, 26 years later, doing it again, for old time's sake. What that's worth is anyone's guess. I supposed you'd have to ask the guy holding her record and a backup Sharpie.

See also: -The Top Ten All Time Best Replacement Lead Singers in Rock and Roll -Songs That Have Hidden Messages When Played in Reverse -The Ten Best Music Videos Banned by MTV

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Steve Steward
Contact: Steve Steward

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