Do You Have the Voice of a Goddamn Angel and Want to Be On BET?

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Saturday at Valley View Center, there's a singing competition, in conjunction with the upcoming film Sparkle, a remake of the 1976 film of the same name, which stars former American Idol contestant Jordin Sparks and the late Whitney Houston and comes out August 17. Here's the plot synopsis, via the Sparkle site:

"Musical prodigy Sparkle (Jordin Sparks) struggles to become a star while overcoming issues that are tearing her family apart. From an affluent Detroit area and daughter to a single mother (Whitney Houston)..."

I'll just stop right there, because you know this shit's already going to be playing arpeggios on your heartstrings. Whitney Houston. Single mother. Struggle. Detroit. Rages to riches story. Girl groups. Let me guess: Whitney used to be a singer, and now her daughter wants to, and that is tearing her family apart. Why don't you go ahead and throw Cee Lo Green in there as a Berry Gordy type? Oh, wait, they did? Oh, Whitney, I don't know how I feel about this. Did we know you were going to be in this movie?

Anyway, it's called the Sparkle Singing Challenge, and the release goes on to say:

"Amateur singers between the ages of 13 and 40 will be asked to sing a 60-second a capella version of one of two songs: 'Celebrate' or 'Something He Can Feel'."

That's right: R. Kelly's "Celebrate" or Curtis Mayfield's "Something He Can Feel." I know which song I'd pick, though in 60 seconds, it's hard to nail that En Vogue glove-peeling act. The winner gets $500 and a chance to compete nationally. The top pick will get a spot on BET's 106 & Park, a chance to record with producers the Punch Monkeys (who?) and a "Myspace homepage feature" (what?).

This sounds like it could be a shitshow, which means I will probably go and check out the scene. If you're ready to be judged by a "panel of local celebrity DJs and athletes" at Valley View Center, registration starts at 10 a.m. Call 314-266-1100 for more info.

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Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.