As I write this, no one in the world knows where Edward Snowden, leaker of all the secrets he could get his grubby hands on, is located. While the irony of the US government having a total lack of information on this subject cannot be lost on anyone, I would like to use this platform to suggest to the United States government that Snowden is simply just following in the hallowed footsteps of another freedom fighter, Rihanna.

How are Edward Snowden and Rihanna the same, I hear you cry? Well, one of these two megastars confused the world's media with an international tour that resulted in journalistic fury, delays, wasted time, intrigue, and barely anything that the journalists could write about beyond "what the fuck is going on?" only with fancier words. The other one is Edward Snowden.

Bear with me.

See also: -The Rihanna Plane commemorative fragrance is $105 per bottle, and presumably it smells like failure.

If you remember (and how could you possibly forget?!), Rihanna spent a week in 2012 jetting around the world in a plane full of journalists on what she called her 777 Tour, as it took in 7 concerts in 7 countries in 7 days, and took place on a Boeing 777. While it should actually have been called either the 777777 Tour, or the 777 Squared Tour (603,729 Tour for short), naming was the least of Rihanna's problems as the conditions among those "lucky" enough to be trapped on the fateful plane following a somewhat unreliable pop star around the world descended into a cross between Lord of the Flies and Jersey Shore.

The news of Snowden has been characterized by confused, lost, journalists trapped in an international hinterland while the object of their desires mysteriously remained slightly out of reach, one step ahead of them. While, at this point, the Snowden/Rihanna Plane comparisons draw themselves, it's not my job to go "Eh? EHHHHH?" and leave you to your own devices.

Resale Concert Tickets

Powered By

SEE MORE

• TICKETS

  Emerald City
  

  Thursday, Oct. 17, 2019 / 7:00pm @ Dallas Arboretum 8525 Garland Rd Dallas TX 75218

  8525 Garland Rd, Dallas TX 75218
• TICKETS

  Dallas Symphony Orchestra: Marek Janowski - Dvorak's Cello Concerto
  

  Thursday, Oct. 17, 2019 / 7:30pm @ Meyerson Symphony Center 2301 Flora St. Ste. 100 Dallas TX 75201

  2301 Flora St. Ste. 100, Dallas TX 75201

  View more dates and times at this location >
• TICKETS

  The Distillers & Death Valley Girls
  

  Thursday, Oct. 17, 2019 / 8:00pm @ Granada Theater - Dallas 3524 Greenville Ave Dallas TX 75206

  3524 Greenville Ave, Dallas TX 75206

Since Snowden fled Hong Kong over the weekend, after the US filed an extradition attempt but managed to somehow mess up the paperwork, a cabal of the world's top class journalists has been following him around. He's meant to be in Moscow, supposedly, so every journalist immediately jumped on a flight there, only to be met with confusion and mystery as no one could actually see Edward Snowden. It's almost exactly like the time a plane full of journalists followed Rihanna to Stockholm only to find out that, actually, she wasn't there yet. In the latest and best comic twist, this morning the cream of the world's press decided that Snowden had boarded a plane to Havana, the latest stop on his "Enemies Of The United States Who Won't Extradite Me Tour." Of course, they were wrong, and realized upon arrival in Havana that not only was Snowden not on board (in fact, there was probably a moment of perfect farce when all the journalists onboard realized that Snowden wasn't there, and that they were trapped on a very, very long flight unless the pilot agreed to turn around for the sake of the news, which he didn't) but that he was possibly still in Moscow, or maybe Iceland, or back in Hong Kong, or had maybe fled to China. We just don't know.

If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.

SHOW ME HOW

X

Newsletters

_{All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.}

• No Thanks
• Sign Up

X

SUCCESS!

You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!

Edward, if you're out there and you're reading this because you are furiously googling yourself and clicking "News," then it is my firm belief that should you manage to obtain corporate sponsorship and a songwriter, then in fact you can spin this entire trip to your advantage and end up in a situation where you too are wearing nothing but European money and flowers. Until then, make journalists fly around the world for no reason while obtaining nothing of value they can use in their stories. You're doing God's work, son.

United States government, if you're reading this (and I'd imagine you're reading it as I type it, rather than on the blog it was posted to), then I would place my bet on Edward Snowden doing an excessive number of tequila shots, being somewhere in the vicinity of Chris Brown despite all advice to the contrary, and being late for an important appointment. I hope this helps.

See also: -The Top Ten All Time Best Replacement Lead Singers in Rock and Roll -Songs That Have Hidden Messages When Played in Reverse -The Ten Best Music Videos Banned by MTV

Keep up with DC9 at Night on Twitter or Facebook.

• Commentary