Here's What Not to Pack for Rocklahoma 2013, Which Features Korn and Guns N' Roses

This weekend the erstwhile comedy team of Cleaver and Falcon will travel north on 35 till they arrive outside of Tulsa for the three-day festival that is Rocklahoma. While preparing for their time spent in a tent and seeing Guns N' Roses, KoRn, Bush, Alice in Chains and Cheap Trick, the two had a discussion about what provisions were needed, what follows is that conversation and several jokes.

Jaime-Paul Falcon: Special conversation time?

Gavin Cleaver: Yes quite. So, pretend I'm packing my bag right now, despite the suspicious lack of a bag, what do I need?

See also: -50 Don'ts For Your ACL Festival Weekend -Five WTF Examples of Marketing at SXSW -The 100 Best Texas Songs: The Complete List

Falcon: Other then the required sundry of clothing and the like you might need to prepare yourself for the wilds of metal fans getting worked into a frenzy for three straight days. Precautions should be taken. I suggest you buy a can of mace. Maybe a road flare for when the weather turns on us and we're having to find our way through the dust. I'm seriously thinking we need walkie-talkies.

Cleaver: But I'm a large man, Jaime. What do I need mace for?

Falcon: Because there are larger men in the world. Also, mace might help with crowd control. I mean if the dead were ever going to rise from their graves, it would be while we're in a tent in the middle of Oklahoma.

Cleaver: I wasn't worried before. I think I am now.

Falcon: Let's be honest, this whole thing is a joke that massively backfired on us.

Cleaver: I believe this was your idea, and thus I hold you as my financial guarantor for the weekend.

Falcon: Furthermore, we're about to spend three days in the heat among crowds and I don't wear shorts. I might have a heat stroke by Saturday morning.

Cleaver: Why ... why don't you wear shorts?

Falcon: I wear them when playing basketball, but only then. Anyway, back to what we're taking with us.

Cleaver: No, I'm pushing forward with this. Do you have terrifying knees? A shinbone that juts out?

Falcon: I don't wear shorts because I mostly wear boots, and men cannot pull that look off.

Cleaver: Have you considered flip-flops? They're the choice of the man who's in touch with his sensitive side.

Falcon: I'm pretty sure not even Jennifer Lawrence could get me to wear flip-flops.

Cleaver: There's going to be some serious flip-flop action this weekend, Jaime. You're going to be intimately familiar with my toes. That's exactly as terrifying as it sounds. Falcon: Anyway, back to what we're taking with us. We need beer, lots of beer. If all else fails we can always resort to selling our superior Texas beer to Oklahomans at a high markup.

Cleaver: After watering it down, naturally.

Falcon: Naturally. Time to get down to the nitty-gritty: How many flasks are we bringing?

Cleaver: I think we're talking at cross porpoises here. Define flask.

Falcon: A small easily hidden container that contains a liquid.

Cleaver: Oh, all right. Well, I don't have any. Would it sound bad if I was sort of expecting you to have a collection of them?

Falcon: I do indeed have a large collection of them. We'll have my special fest bag with all its secret compartments to help us smuggle them in.

Cleaver: On the money. So, liquor is what we require.

Falcon: Correctamundo. We'll need to stop at the seedy liquor store in Addison that sells mini bottles for 50 cents apiece, because we're not Thompson and Zeta-Acosta and a suitcase full of drugs seems a bit out of reach. Though I might spend the weekend in a tropical shirt, for laughs.

Cleaver: A tropical shirt, boots and no flip-flops. Your heritage scares me sometimes.

Falcon: My heritage might be the only thing that saves us this weekend. Remember, my family has already made it across one border. If we get stuck I'm your only hope back into Texas.

Cleaver: I would like to imagine the Texas-Oklahoma border involves fewer armed men than the Mexican border. I think I just realized where the company name Texaco comes from. I'm pretty pleased.

Falcon: I would assume the Texas-Oklahoma border has far more NRA members then the Texas-Mexico border, and the food is most likely worse. Does Oklahoma have cuisine?

Cleaver: It certainly doesn't have Texas BBQ. Actually, let me check what Daniel Vaughn says. ... Well, apparently there is Oklahoma BBQ, but it's awful. Either way, I will pack the sauce. So far we have mace, no shorts, flasks and sauce.

Falcon: We need some shovels, some wood, some bricks, two pieces of metal, banana leaves and a live goat. I can feed us for days. Also, hot dogs.

Cleaver: You're a simple man, aren't you. I'm not sure about the bricks/live goat situation at the Rocklahoma entrance gate.

Falcon: If you want, we can search Rocklahoma for cream tea, I'm sure it'll be smashing. So the live goat and fire pit is out. We'll have to find food of some sort. As it stands our current list is mace, no shorts, flasks, Texas beer, liquor, mini bottles, sauce and food. Do you know what we need, man? Some rope.

Cleaver: I'm getting worried about sharing a tent with you.

Falcon: You never know what you're gonna need it for.

Cleaver: It's a music festival. I definitely cannot recall needing rope at a music festival, apart from this one time I cannot legally talk about.

Falcon: I think we're doomed this weekend.

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Gavin Cleaver and Jaime-Paul Falcon