Josh Homme Is Dead To Me

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Some people might hold up Josh Homme as a kind of savior of modern rock music, what with his riffs, and his arms (he has nice arms), and things like that. And I suppose that I did too, once. Around the time when Kyuss ended and QOTSA began, when they rode that wave from bad Kyuss album into the bludgeoning force of debut album opener "Regular John," I'm pretty sure I thought Josh Homme was the greatest, and that I could never get enough of whatever it was he chose to do.

I was wrong. Josh Homme is now dead to me, and I am a lesser man for his fictitious passing. Here's what really drove me over the edge.

1. Kyuss, dude, seriously

Kyuss' Blues For The Red Sun is one of the greatest albums of all time. FACT. If you disagree with this you simply haven't listened to it loud enough. Sure, after ...And The Circus Leaves Town, it might have been time to try a few different things (even if by far your weakest album still contains stone-cold classics like "One Inch Man" and "El Rodeo"). But to leave it for 15 years, wait until all the other members reform, and then sue them for having the temerity for using the name "Kyuss"? Fuck you, Josh.

2. Era Vulgaris

Era Vulgaris was a terrible, terrible album. Josh decided to abandon his signature guitar sound and instead run all the guitars through a processor that made them sound like a dying lawnmower trapped in a ditch. "Sick, Sick, Sick" is physically painful to listen to. It's like Josh was trying to make me sad. Me personally, you understand. This is my fight. Not yours.

3. Following up Them Crooked Vultures by touring the first QOTSA album again for a year

THAT'S NOT WHAT ANYONE WANTED JOSH. THEY WANTED ANOTHER THEM CROOKED VULTURES ALBUM. Who writes songs as awesome as "Warsaw" or "No-One Loves Me (And Neither Do I)" and then follows them up by saying "I will now tour a record I wrote 12 years ago and never previously bothered playing any of the songs from live"? NOBODY. JOSH. DAMMIT.

4. Taking Jon Goddamn Theodore off the general market to make him play 4/4 stoner metal

Goddammit Josh, Theodore is one of the greatest, most inventive drummers of our times. Given free reign, he will 100 percent guaranteed fuck your shit up into next week. So, what you did was wait until an album was recorded with predictable 4/4 beats and then bring him in to tour the fucking album? HAVE YOU SEEN JON THEODORE PATHETICALLY TAP AWAY ON A HI-HAT JOSH? I TAKE IT YOU HAVE, BECAUSE YOU MADE HIM DO IT. JON THEODORE COULD EAT THAT FUCKING HI-HAT FOR BREAKFAST.

I'm too angry now. I will not be coming to see you and beautiful, beautiful Jon Theodore at the Verizon on Saturday, because now you're touring FUCKING ARENA-SIZED VENUES. Maybe if you don't make enough money off this tour, you could sue Kyuss some more? In summary, go fuck yourself.

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