Lady Gaga's VMA Performance Art: 2012-2016

One year after showing up on the red carpet in a dress made of raw meat, pop singer Lady Gaga arrived at this year's MTV Video Music Awards dressed as a man, and she remained in character throughout the duration of the show.

Most critics agree that the performance was Gaga's attempt to shine a light on gender politics in the music industry, although some believe it was just an elaborate plot to further confuse Kanye West's sexuality. In the end, it's clear Gaga accomplished both objectives, only not the first one.

Regardless, it will be hard to top. But don't worry. It only gets more powerful.

Behold, the next five years of Lady Gaga MTV Video Music Award Performance Art.

Gaga shows up covered in blood. Everyone's all like, "Hey, no fair, she already did blood, I want my money back." But then Gaga's publicist is like, "No, it's menstrual blood!" And everyone's like, "Whew." Even cooler: Gaga says she borrowed the blood from young African women in an effort to raise awareness for genital mutilation on that continent. It's bold, it's selfless, it keeps that Seacrest creep a safe distance away.

She arrives by jet pack. It looks cool from afar, but as she gets closer, it becomes clear she's tarred and feathered, apparently in an effort to illuminate the lasting effects of offshore drilling, as well as the shape of her ass. Pretty much everyone agrees that it's gross except Russell Brand, who upon seeing it finally agrees to do that foursome Gaga's been pushing for with him, Katy Perry and Dudley Moore's corpse.

Gaga arrives in a motorized wheel chair, part of her year-long experiment to see what it would feel like to be Paraplegic Gaga. (Turns out it feels exactly like being Lady Gaga, only without all the standing.) She performs a duet with Chris Brown and a hundred wheel chair-bound backup dancers, at the end of which she asks Brown to punch her as hard as he can in the face. She pleads with him -- "It's the only place I can feel anymore!" -- but Brown's already into his second swing by the time she gets it out.

Lady Gaga arrives in character as her former self, Stefani Germanotta, dressed casually in Capri pants and Crocs. She greets everyone with a simple kiss on the cheek, and is earnest and humble on the red carpet. It all makes sense, considering her recently reported relationship with Tim, an assistant Citibank branch manager from Riverside, and the title of her most recent album, Not Born That Way At All, It Turns Out.

As she takes the stage to introduce Best Female Video (she surprised MTV by declining an invitation to perform), Tim the Assistant Branch Manager joins her on stage. Gaga looks surprised. The audience is sure that he's going to propose, and there are whispers that she may announce her retirement. The rumor is she wants to open a bakery in Riverside with Tim's mom.

As Tim reaches into what looks like the pocket of his jeans, Gaga covers her face, attempting to hide that classic there's-a-ring-in-there-I-just-know-it glow. But instead of a ring, Tim unsheathes from his pants out a long, shiny samurai sword, and swings it, effortlessly, through Gaga's unadorned neck.

Her body crumbles to the stage. Her head bounces twice and rolls off the stage toward the feet of an up-and-coming artist named Mary Magdalene, who reaches down, picks up the head, and kisses it passionately on the lips. Everyone cheers except Tim, who suddenly realizes he should have asked his boss about this one.

In a particularly odd twist, Gaga doesn't show up at all. It's initially presented as Gaga's statement on existentialism, which briefly causes a .0025 percent traffic increase for Soren Kierkegaard's Wiki page. But it's later reported by TMZ that she's actually just still dead.

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Joe Tone
Contact: Joe Tone